Trust the progress, eventually you'll make it =]

I wanted to write this down for the longest time and I just couldn't find the right time to. Hopefully this time I will make it to the end.

The past two years were very suffering for me. Because of the pandemic, because of the uncertainties.

I still clearly remember that day when Thong and I decided to fly back from Miri the night that moment when MCO was declared due to COVID. When I was on the way to the Miri airport, the university haven't even announced that the campus will be closed, and I was so worried about my FYP and my lab works. Only when my flight landed in Alor Setar, I received an email saying final year students' lab work will be on a halt until further announcement. It was then another few stressful months because the lockdown full with uncertainties. There are a lot of times I was planning my way back to Miri for my lab works including the two-weeks quarantine. But luckily, in the end, with many discussions and lots of changes made, I was able to finish my FYP at home, with the combination of both lab works and simulations (which also means I have to learn both of them, where my halfway lab works kinda go unused, then have to learn all kinds of simulation software last minute). 

I have to say it wasn't easy at all. Thinking that all of my halfway-done lab works, being mentally stressful and tensed with the pandemic, having to learn new simulations software in a few weeks' time. All of these were done on top of the academic stress of the final year units. I had lots of sleepless nights and breakdowns. (wanted to complain so much but have to held it because out there people are dying because of COVID, losing jobs due to the pandemic, and for me its only study and stay at home LOL) I gave myself many times of mental preparation that whichever unit I fail or no matter how things turn out, I can just retake and spend another year to make things right. In the end, I managed to graduate on time and I really couldn't be more grateful!

After graduation I had a few days trip back to Miri, to tidy the house that was left hurriedly, finish my first aid training (which was dragged so many times and needed to be done in order for me to graduate, also one main reason I am flying to Miri), tidy my lab stuff (all my chemicals and apparatus was just left halfway, which I left when I was still waiting for my CQD to distillate), met my supervisor to return him stuffs and had a most relaxed talk with him (no more academic stress!), and also met with a lot of friends eating all food I've missed.

Moving forward from completing my degree, making an end by properly tidying my stuff in Miri, reality dawned again. I always knew I wanted to continue with my master's in research, and while I was halfway in my degree I planned to continue it in Aus. I still have some of my pocket money left in Bankwest when I left, thinking I will return soon anyway. I even planned to have a few gap months to travel around catch up with some friends while I think my next steps. What the pandemic did was making me rethink 'Do I need to go through the risk by going so far to continue my study', as by that time everything was so unsure. I feel very daunted by not being able to go all the way to the cities or campuses to further understand what I will be facing for the next few years, and having to travel around during the pandemic is giving me lots of anxieties. With nowhere to go and nothing to do at home for a period of time, I felt so not accomplished and felt like I was wasting my time if I don't immediately find a course to continue and have something to be busy with. I was giving myself so much stress to find a suitable university, supervisor, and research topic ASAP.

It was then another long story, emailing different lecturers in different universities. Trying to gather all documents needed from enrollment ALL THE WAY FROM AUS. Lots of phone calls video calls to further understand their research topics. It is very important to make sure the research topic is to your interest, as that will be the one and only thing you will be working on for the next few years. It is also important that the supervisor is responsive, passionate, and helpful (which in my case was a huge lesson for me LOL). I was asking around universities the research topics they offer and also the financial support they can provide. I was quite surprised as a lot of universities are offering me PhD courses without masters (which probably is because of my not-very-bad grades), including the master's I was doing, I was offered to 'upgrade' it to PhD. This is the moment when you are grateful that your grades and your resume are still presentable. But still, I am very sure that I will not be continuing my research studies, and was planning to start working after my masters instead of continuing in further education or a uni lecturer. I JUST WANT TO GET IT DONE ASAP LOL.

In the end, I was offered a research topic that I am interested in, together with a lecturer that is very helpful (at first =)) with full cover of my tuition fees, together with monthly allowance. Being accepted for the course, I would say, is THE ONLY happy moment in my masters research life. Rest is hell.

I will continue my life in hell in another part. 

好不开心

很不满意自己的现状

却也改变不了什么

力不从心的感觉

耳边有太多声音

每天接受的资讯也很多

总会希望自己也被好好对待

但到最后发现自己什么都不是

所以问题终究还是自己吗

因为对身边的关系不够上心吗

因为自己总是付出的不够吗

那怎么样才能成为一个值得被爱的人？

我知道每天被这种不痛不痒的问题困扰很可笑

但我真的好不满意现在的状况

不喜欢自己被对待的方法 不喜欢不值得的感觉

不管我怎么努力 怎么调整 怎么沟通

都没有人尝试去懂 因为我总是这么微不足道？

希望下一篇的自己

过着自己喜欢的生活 身边有喜欢的人

做想做的事 不被人事物束缚

Unwind and Express

Hi its me,

I'm here to explain why I am gone for so long,

when I'm explaining to you, 

I guess this post helps to explain it to myself too.

I had been afraid to express myself,

I am afraid I say something not appropriate,

I am afraid I sound lousy or funny,

I am also worried that I am bad at using the language too.

Generally, I am afraid to be judged.

I was thinking why I wasn't afraid to express myself back then,

where I can just write anything I want and just blurt things out.

I was either not afraid of people judging me,

or I was just not overthinking too much.

The reason for me to start this blog was even, to train my language, both Chinese and English.

Funny is that now I didn't dare to try.

I was finding a new reason for me to continue update this blog,

as looking back, I am quite grateful that I recorded things down.

It is quite fun to know what I was feeling or thinking back then,

I sounded quite naive and I sounded quite differently from how I am now.

Although I judge my old self for writing stupid things,

I also have a different feel at the same time, for how much I have changed throughout the years.

Things have been quite overwhelmed right now,

I am at my final semester of my degree,

and I am grateful for learning so much every time,

as it feels that this FYP makes me learnt the most out of my degree life.

I am constantly squeezing things out of myself,

and also learning tonnes of things in a short time, pushing my self limit.

It is a different experience, where I do not have much time to say "I don't know how to do",

I now just feel frustrated, complaining the workload, crying at how I am so bad at learning things, at the same time forcing myself to learn.

Few days later I will find myself mastering the software or found a way out, and forgot about my annoyed-useful-old self few days before, and this feels amazingly great.

I am grateful for the people beside me!

Thank you for keep encouraging me whenever I feel like giving up,

although most of the time I am clear that giving up is not a choice.

Thank you for dealing with my bullshits, especially when I am annoyed with my workload.

We all live our own life, and I believe it is no one's responsible to be patient with other's bad side,

so thank you, to be so patient all the time.

Other than that, things annoyed me are people taking you for granted.

Or to say, I am annoyed by myself.

Everyone have their own life and things to do, so you shouldn't be expecting someone to be there to help you all the time, especially when you could've learn it yourself. 

We are adults at the end of our four year degree, where we at least know that we should be responsible with our works, right?

Working with your friend doesn't mean he/she should back you up all the time too, it should've been the other way, helping to reduce your friend's workload. 

The reason why I am annoyed, is that I feel that I am being taken for granted as a friend, but at the same time I also feel annoyed for unable to go all out and be patient to help.

I am still learning to be more patient, but also at the same time to be better to myself too.

I am trying to find the balance in between.

I should've be more patient for helping others when they have a problem, as if it's me I would like to have someone helping me too.

But at the same time I should also know that going all out for others won't help me anything too, especially people are taking it for granted and trying to get things from you more and more.

In the end I won't be getting anything else, but a physically and mentally tired self.

That's so far for my update!

Thank you for reading until the end.

Writing things out do help me unwind and clear my mind.

I am quite glad trying to express myself too, 

I might not be good but let's hope this helps me to improve.

A song from 2017 which I found this morning, it expresses my current feeling so well!

偶尔 我走着的这条路

是向着正确的方向 前行着吗

我所说的话和行动

在被人的眼里 是怎样被看待的

想法变得多了 一天就变得短了

安慰我的 只是一声长叹息

究竟是为了什么 活到了现在

我现在是为了我自己正在活着

不知何时开始 我变得害怕休息

自信心掉到了谷底 羡慕成功的人

从未见过天空

没有时间去看周围

但其实所有都是借口 很想念以前

Feeling helpless

It's the last semester of my degree,
and Helpless is what I feel everyday.

Looking at the past,
I am very sure I tried my very best,
but the outcomes are always not what I expected.
Of course I want more,
I always make sure I won't regret by giving my all,
but I always fail myself,
making me think that is that I am not good enough,
or I just should have push myself even more.

I hate my life,
and I hate it even more,
when I don't have the strength to change things.
I hope I am happier,
but people and things just fail me all the times.
I learnt to not expect or hope for things,
because it will always end up differently,
and I am the one always getting hurt.
but because of that,
I hate myself now that have to not expect everything.

I am trying to do something meaningful everyday,
to fill my days up with positive things,
someone told me that trying to think positively,
is already a good attempt to be positive,
and it is already a good start.
I feel its so pathetic,
to have to make myself feel better by thinking this way,
just because we know we can't really do more anymore,
and this is the most we can do.

What to do?
We really have nothing we can do,
that's why we ask this question that we already had the answer.
We lived through life like this,
and we can only live our life like this,
because life is like this.
Its not something we can change by just thinking about it,
but trust me one day I will get out of everything,
leave every disappointed things behind,
but now I am just too small and too helpless.

Until that day,
I will continue feel this helplessness,
and live this life.

Rabies.

不知道该怎么开始继续写，
偶尔会看回这个blog，
然后尝试开始再记录生活，
但发现再也怎么找不回以前的感觉和文笔了，
索性不找，用着我快烂掉的华语，
用很多错别字的方法，
记录一下最近挺让我崩溃的一件事，
我被狗咬了。

只要在Curtin读书，住在Waters和Perkasa area的人就会知道，
每天走去搭巴士，被狗跟的痛苦。
一开始我还是挺庆幸的，
因为曾经一段时间每天早上跑步的时候，
遇到的的狗狗都会呆呆看着我路过，
完全没有要理睬我的意思。
久而久之我就有这侥幸的心理，
偶尔被跟，吓一下很快就忘了。

那天傍晚我很若无其事的走回家，
在我完全没想到会有狗狗出现的地方，
多了四五只狗，
眼前两只狗还在路中间打架，
在我心想是不是该绕回去走掉时，
两只狗狗同时抬起头看到我，
再疯狂地向我跑来，
大声吠的同时还引来了旁边那四五只狗狗，
在眨眼的瞬间我完全被吠个不停的狗狗包围了。
那时的状况就是，
前进也不是、后退也不是，
在犬吠声中走一步是一步。

然后其中一只狗就咬了我的小腿。

一开始我还以为是被蹭了一下，
吓到喊了一声，
用手摸摸，口水。
整个人不好了，怎么今天的狗狗那么凶。
头脑满满的是我要先逃掉这里。

终于终于，走过那一小段很长很长的路，
狗狗终于放弃了我，
低头一看，被咬了，怎么办。

那时可能狗吠很大声，
旁边朋友邻居都出来看了，
看到我被咬后说了一堆，
要去医院打针，Sarawak有狂犬病的，
几个月前Kuching才有人因为这样去世。
我整个大傻眼。

记得那天待在学校整天做事，
现在FinalYear了，说有多忙就有多忙，
我只想回家洗个热澡，再继续做事，
突然被狗咬还说会死掉是怎么一回事lol

-------
We rushed to Columbia hospital,
and the wound first just looked like this.

Nothing bad right.
I got a tetanus injection and the nurse helped me clean my wound.
I called my dad on my way to the hospital,
telling him everything just for the insurance,
while I was suffering with all the injections and wound cleaning,
Bii called as I didn't get the chance to tell her yet,
dad was quite worried and called her.
I was trying my best to explain to her,
which kinda divert my attention and helped the process much better.
The doc there asked me to go to the general hospital the next morning to register with the dog bite clinic and they will helped me more on my wound.

It was quite tidy the day before,
and I did not felt anything bad,
until I went to the hospital dog bite clinic.

They first helped me to clean my wound again,
and ended up me doing myself, like THIS. HELLO.
The nurse even asked me why did I not run.
To my knowledge, you shouldn't run when there's a dog, as the dog might get excited and started running even more.
The nurse said: Well, you did not run, the dog still bit you. No differences right.
LOL.

and the wound dressing became like THIS.
SO. MESSY.

Things are worse after that,
I went to the god bite clinic,
and the doc there tell me I have to have MORE INJECTIONS.
Since Sarawak is still declared under Rabies,
I had to have six vaccines injections separately on my DAY 1, 3, and 7.
Imagine have to travel all the way so far,
when you are already crazily busy with your assignments and tests.

Since my wound is quite deep,
the doc says I still have another six injections on my wound.
Since the vaccine has a limited period of active time,
I will have to go anytime they ask me to.
Worse come to worse,
I have to travel all the way to Bintulu for the vaccine,
depends on where they decide to send the batch of vaccine.

Me overthinking and over-worrying things did not make this easier.
If you google search on Rabies,
you will realize how scary it is.
Worrying about my tests,
worrying about my assignments,
worrying about the injections,
worrying about my life. LOL.

It was one of the worse period I had.
I tried to not feel anything,
coming out with a list of things to do everyday,
waking up and finishing it,
work till late night,
come out with another list,
go sleep and wake up to finish that list of things.

My mind was full of,
EAT PROPERLY, DO THINGS PROPERLY, REST PROPERLY.
好好吃饭、好好休息、好好做事。
I was so worried I will have a breakdown and things getting out of my control.
I just want to get over this period.

Things were abit better when I can just have my vaccine here in Miri,
and ... my wound is a heart shape lol.

I did not know how it became this worse too lol.

Coming to the end of this sem.
I'm kinda glad I survived everything.
Things could've been worse right,
I might just fall and got bit in the face,
tearing out my meats and muscles and all.
Quite lucky I just got a bite.
Quite proud I went through all these shit.
At least I did not die, or haven't die yet lol.

The cute dogs appeared to be not that cute anymore,
thinking that any bite from them might end up with rabies that will take your life,
if not, you still have to go through all stupid injections of vaccine,
and a lifetime worrying about it.
Now I kinda just hope the dogs in the neighborhood disappear,
stop making people worry and stop causing trouble.
For those dog owners,
keep them at home and take good care of them,
the wild dogs might have rabies and you won't know what will happen to your dogs that you left out of you gates.

Learning lessons

I missed my flight.

This is not the first time me having problems while flying.
I bought the wrong ticket after checking several times,
I last minute found out having a wrong date for my return flight after checking a few times too,
I forgot my passport while flying back,
I brought 30kgs luggage and realise I only have 15kg to check in,
what else... flying around is a nightmare for me, nothing is right,
that is probably why sometimes I am very stress when having to fly alone,
I check everything again and again but probably the stress overcome me most of the time,
things still always go wrong, just like today.

I was sitting at the opposite of the boarding gate,
right after I touched down, waiting for my time to get in,
I was looking at the time every 5mins,
and was staring at the gate for 15mins (probably at the time I have to get in),
I didn't know what is wrong with me,
I just didn't process everything with my brain somehow,
until gate closed.

I walked to the gate, seeing the door starting to get passengers from the other flight,
and getting rejected to get on the flight, seeing it still in front of me,
started panicked and called dad and mentally collapsed several times in a very short time.

I tried to get myself together for a few times a failed to can't stop crying all the way,
from in front of the gate, until I walked my way out of the arrival hall to the departure hall,
asked at the flight counter and bought another ticket,
I called dad and he did not did not scold me (although he did later),
asking me to stop feeling sorry and find a solution instead,
Zoe also saying that she will be coming over later after work as tmr is a holiday,
making me at least having something to look forward.

It's now four hours since I missed my flight,
sitting in a coffee shop waiting time to pass by,
with a lot of wantans produced in front of all the workers,
can't stop tearing thinking what happened today,
being very tired at the same time grateful.

I woke up at 7am today,
still being sick since the past few days,
did not have a charged power bank,
but an overweight baggage I still need to settle,
what's more tired than this.
But what makes me cry-stop non stop,
is dad worrying me at the same time asking me to learn my lesson without scolding me,
Zoe trying to tell me worse story to make my life better lol,
and coming over to spend a few hours through the night,
and VVP promise me to wake up early for me and fetch me at the airport (she better do),
to make me look less kelian (although I kinda forced her to, saying I am alrdy very kelian lol).

This is already not the first time this happened,
calling my dad crying that I need to buy a new flight tickets happened before,
everything happened today was just the same few years ago when I bought the wrong date,
and I am quite disappointed in myself for not learning my lesson,
and did not grow even a little in these few years,
just a little more kiamsiap and willing to wait a little longer for a cheaper tix,
very disappointing.

I hope this teaches me to grow up,
to be more alert,
to be more responsible,
and earn more money (so I can just missed all dem flights),
be more energetic handling things,
stop being always tired,
be someone I always want myself to.

I hope one day,
future me,
you are all grown up like dad and Zoe,
being able to calmly handling all your shits,
or let's hope there will be no shits in your life =)

To those who are very sad,
very negative mentally currently,
I hope things will get better,
everything will be over one day,
and good things will come once the bad once are over.

Alcohols and hugs

Three days at home,
with two nights crying,
and two nights drinking,
life is THAT overwhelming.

A lot of things is changing,
the people around me,
my own life,
and the life of the people around me.

Its another huge change,
not in my life,
but the middle of our lives.

I still need to learn how to handle changes,
I wish I could teach others how to handle changes too,
including teaching my own self.

I hope the old me can come out and give me motivation,
the old me can teach me how to find direction,
and the old me to share how positive I was.

My emotions are like a roller coaster ride,
which I can't even control,
and I am already tired of this scary ride,
I hope this ride will stop soon,
give me time to settle down my dizzy mind,
take a breathe before I am ready for more.

One thing in my mind that keeps me going on,
her voice that tell me "no point of worrying of this things",
no one can tell me this except her,
our time spent not together is longer,
that might be the reason how good is she in my imagination,
but this imagination keeps me going on,
and I believe that is the only thing that matters.

For now,
this two mental break down,
thanks for dad's alcohol and hugs,
can't wait to grow up,
can't wait to settle down,
but I still don't get enough of this YOLO yet,
me having different thoughts.
Ughh.
Sleep. Nite.