Falling into place

I saw this quote online last year and instead of just screenshotting it, I wrote it down on my notebook, and hoping things will get better. I remember I was so lost at that time and just writing this down, I wet the whole page with tears because it really do hurts a lot that time.

Just right after I posted my last post, like a miracle, I felt things started to fall into place. I got an exchange offer after being rejected, celebrated our achievement for IGV department we worked for last summer, followed by a new government for my country.
Things starting to feel right, I met someone who makes me feel belonged too, when I feel so lost and alone everyday. Someone that stops me from hiding in my house my room everyday.  I hope this lasts long.
Exchange?
Going to Perth for exchange is always my dream? I never tell anyone because I felt its something so far away and something that is almost impossible to achieve. You can tell I never tell my goals here but only sharing when its achieved most of the time. This place is somewhere I show my positive happy things, and for all the BloodSweatTears, it goes to my diary, sometimes my notebook.

Because this time, I felt like its an achievement after so long, I really want to share the whole journey.
It started when I know I won't want to study in Perth as I don't want to spend that much money just to study abroad when I can do the same here and getting the same certificate in the end. I was hoping to get a scholarship for my final years to study there, but then let's be real, the chances are rare, and if I get any chance, I will of couse grab it.
It was last year when I was in Year1Sem2 when I saw about this exchange program, but one of the requirement to apply is being at least a second year student. That time I was a bit down for not meeting the requirements, but at the same time I was thinking "Hey! Let's apply this next semester then!"
Things did not go very well as they did not open for application for the next semester when I was is Year2Sem1 and since the exchange program started just for a semester, I was thinking maybe they cancelled the program as things may not be going well. I was a little down for that, but I cheered myself up thinking maybe this program is open once every year. Trying to be postive LOL

I remembered I listed exchange as my goal when I felt lost last year and trying to pick myself up. I was planning to apply for the program in Daegu, I was planning to go for Olympics, I was planning to go for this exchange (although that time I was not even sure whether this program is still going on).
It felt so achieving, ticking off goals. Done my project in Daegu, attended Winter Olympics and now, I got the exchange opportunity!!! It felt just like a dream.

This was what I wrote when I found out the exchange program was still going on earlier this semester. I know the chances might be very low, and when I went to get the form from the officer, she told me the quota for engineering students is very limited, and it is hard to get the place. As I always think that me being active in clubs and activities will be a bonus for my application, the only thing they asked from me, is my Academic Transcript. EVERYTHING BASED ON MY ACADEMIC. aka lower chance XD Although my results are not really bad, quite good, but I'm not the very top students that gets into the VClist.
That time, I was lost, I still feel I was back behind and I was not feeling positive for this. Picking myself up step by step was not easy, it was hard, but little by little, and submitting the application form is one of the steps.

This was written during the beginning of the semester. "Things I want to work hard on." The first two was a little private, but I did listed exchange as the 4th important things I want to work on, although that time I had totally no idea how to do it.

I did not get the offer straight away. I got rejected once. That time I was quite down for that, but this is life, things will not always be like what we hope for. There are good times, and of course the bad ones. 50/50. Bad ones make us look forward to the good ones, and sometimes make the good ones even more precious. Just like this time =)

I remember it was an afternoon when I went out for lunch with some of my friends. I was squeezing in the car when I got a call from the officer asking me whether I am still interested in the exchange program. I immediately say YES YES and trying my best to sound as cool as I can but seriously in my mind in my heart it was a huge mess. Could not contain my excitement, I immediately confirmed with my dad, and him being as supportive as always, encouraged me to go for this opportunity.

That night, I got home and sat in front of my desk, and let the reality settled in. I could not hold back but shed happy tears as this is really what I longed and hoped for.
Tbh I was really down this semester as there are really a lot of people that makes me feel I am not important. I was always left out and I wonder is it because I am not good enough to be with. I might not be the kind that always study but I know when to have fun and when to be serious. I am questioning myself whether I should change my way, to be accepted. Maybe when we are growing and the academics goes harder, people just want to stay with those who kept studying and scoring, instead of someone who is a little laid back. It was a hard choice for me, as I know how much I was stressed out before this and I don't want this to repeat, but then if I don't change, people just won't accept me and I hate the feeling being alone and left out. 
This is still something I need to sort out, and it is still something I need to find a balance, but this opportunity, it really helped me to gain back a little of my confidence, a little of assurance that my way of living and treating study is not wrong. So thank you, for this approvment.

I know there are still a lot of things to settle, and a lot of things to prepare myself for this journey. I know it won't be easy and I might fail even more, but I think and I hope that I am ready.
There are still so many uncertainties, that I still don't dare to share the news to my friends so if you are reading this, you are the first few to know XD

IGV Celebration

We celebrated as IGV got to be the most contributing for the Miri community development for last year. It was a little unexpected and it was another assurance after working as a Project Director for Speak Up! Did not regret joining AIESEC or working as an IGV member all way long. This dinner makes me felt like home again, and without all those heavy responsibility and deadlines, it was even really a great talk and a great meal.
We went for the sunset and beach while waiting for our food.

My boss.

We really did had a great meal, belanja by AIESEC =))))

That night I came back for the election results, and went to sleep halfway when we almost won. Woke up to a public holiday and my class all canceled after I got ready, I went back to sleep and woke up to another email saying NO HOLIDAY. I then went all the way to the campus for a one hour tutorial class, which ended up the lecturer did not come. LOL.

Got home to my comfy place. Hello new government.

We did our choice. Now let's hope there will be a better future.

If you are feeling lost. I hope this post can cheer you up. Things will eventually get better. Just like how mine did. This is to the past and future me too.

Ending this post with one of my favorite song when I was lost, and my favorite now too as it just makes sense. SAZANKA.

For yourself

It's finals period and I just finished two papers in a day WOOHOOO, three more to go~!!!

TBH a few weeks before I was so damn depressed and at the same time getting sick makes it even worse, the feeling when you realize no one will be around you so far away from your family, and you're just simply nobody no matter how many friends you know or how many people actually told you they care for you. It's just been you, and you.

I was in my room for a few days, sleeping whole day I didn't even bother to eat.
My house was quite far from where I can get food, so basically will be sleeping away the hunger LOL
I had so much time thinking, that what is the point to treat people wholeheartedly, then being selfish to myself, ended up no one even cares. My mind was so full of empty promises, as people only wants to be with you when you are at your best, and don't even give a shit when you're at your lowest.

I had so many nights with huge mental breakdowns, feeling so alone.
Which I then realized this is very sick mentally, and I have to help myself out from this, instead of still putting hope on others.
I decided to do all those things I always wanted to do, but didn't dare or don't have the chance to.


I first trimmed and cut my hair by myself.
I've always afraid to cut my hair even its all dry at the tip, as I have originally curly hair and every cut is a challenge.
I started bits by bits, then slowly addicted, then ended up cutting quite a lot.
My hair was tidier and more light at first, but now it ended up quite hard to tidy because of the curliness on top LOL did not regret though. I felt so satisfied when touching those cut hair that felt like straws.
I also dyed my hair, by myself, for the first time.
I couldn't stand the color too light, although I originally dyed it black.
I didn't dare to dye by myself too, as I'm worried that I'll left any parts, especially the hair behind and below. I ended up doing quite a great job, and I can;t wait to try out more colors XD
I chose a darker color, which I didn't expect to be this nice, and now I loooove it so much.

Then I decided to do what I always planned to but didn't.
Since I was in uni, I decided to focus on non-academic clubs first as everything is still not heavy and serious. I promised myself to join academic clubs once I'm in degree just to know more about the industry, but then always ended up not joining because I was so laid back.
I did make an effort to join a site visit, and that's the only thing I did LOL I'm not even a member.
Since it's the end of the year, the club I wanted to join was recruiting committee, so I think why not give it a try. At least I put effort doing something.
I took some time and effort filling up all those questions quite last minute, getting through interviews, then a small election. I ended up getting my first choice position, which I did not even expect.
Thanks self, for starting to do something your previous self wanted to.

I also painted my fingernails a grey-ish blue.
I always felt it is weird as not much people do so (?) But if you know me years ago, I was so into nail painting, I did nail art for my nails just for the weekend. I kinda miss the old self, so I painted my nails anyway.
I found the happiness of it, seeing it when studying or writing, typing or using the phone. Beautiful nails do make you feel great <3

The next one was probably the one that took so much time and effort.
I always wanted to step up for a position in AIESEC but at the beginning of this year I was under a scholarship that needs me to score above 80 for my subjects and I don't think I can commit well.
I am now free from that and I was thinking of giving it a go before I wanna end this journey, either higher or to an end. Tbh I was not feeling a much of growth this year, not to say less opportunity but just simply I did not have the courage to grab.
I was not even thinking of being a project director, as I have things to focus and I am clear that I can't be here during the project. Since no one stood up and I suddenly was inspired and motivated, I decided to take up this position, which I did not regret a single bit.
I spent countless sleepless night, rethinking my journey and my growth, filling questionnaire and preparing documents for this application, thanks to everyone who helped and supported, and also... sorry I failed you (?)
I was so not confident this time I didn't even bring a shirt to change LOL and when they were sprinkling 'holy water' before pouring them to tell the results, I felt I've came so far and being all emotional and grateful to myself. Only I myself know how much did I grow, and maybe you, the one who is reading this blog since my first post.
Even I failed this election, I learnt a lot.
(to the one who gave me a hug after my failure, it means a lot as I was feeling so helpless tbh. I know I am always crazy and bubbly, but thanks for noticing my weak side <3 )

Then it's social media.
I hope I can talk this in another post, and hope I really do, social media is sickening. Posting positive stuffs, getting negative and hateful comments, all the compares and all self judgement.
If you noticed, I deleted my pictures from nearly 2k to around 66 ._.
I was very stressed and depressed. I was finding a way to come out and tbh I deleted the app so many times and ended up installing them again, because this is where I share my life with my closed one far away, it's still something I am passionate with, photography, even though I am not a good one. It helped me to spot and appreciate little beautiful things around me and it does help to make my life a better one.


It's a huge growth and I am glad I feel less depressed. I don't know whether I should call it slight depression, or purely sadness, as I still feel there are people out there having worse situation than mine.
This is a self reminder to love myself more, and also I hope all of you reading this, can do something for yourself, and I hope you know in this huge wide world, there is still someone cares a lot for you. You are not worthless, and by reading this post you already mean so much to me.
I don't want to get all emotional and deep in this post, but sometimes it is still important to remind yourself to give more love.
Care for those you care for you, and sometimes it is okay to not being love by everyone else, and just simply appreciate people who treat you good no matter how little.
Cutting people from your life does not mean you hate them, it simply means, you respect yourself. Rather than being tired to treat everyone good just to make them like you, enjoy being yourself and strive hard for yourself, you'll shine in that way and people will accept you as who you are.

Love.

#DearYou

Hi I am back and after so much thinking, I guess I'll be starting this #DearYou series as I felt that most of my posts here talks about what happened in life and what I went through, but less and none about how I really feel inside.
I write less about my feelings as I find it very hard to express myself and also I feel naked exposing all my feelings including my negative thoughts and weakness out there.
Most of my deep feelings are kept in my diary but under this #DearYou series will probably be where I grew, where I learnt, where I hope to tell myself that it is okay to be not okay.

All posts under this will be the most random things that happens in life, including lots and lots of negative thoughts and imperfections. It is okay to just skip if you don't feel like reading it, but in another way, if there is one, and only one that felt the same way and being able to relate, I guess my goal have reached.

Other than that, since it'll be recording how I feel during my highest and lowest, I get to see back when I am lack of motivation, or when I feel too high up there and need to be back to reality and stay grounded.
It is very hard for me to express how I really feel inside, so #DearYou might be very rare, but I just want it be there.