2017 moments

Really want to update a positive post to cap off this year, so here's some 'Pictures of the month' that record the little sweet moments I had for the year <3

JAN

Started the year with crazy exercise

angkukuih with grandma

a night where we sudden decide to go perlis

dyed to Taehyung's hair color

FEB

random visit to local tourist spots

new room in Miri!

MARCH

met youtuber LingBigYong

don't really have chance for this kind so..

crazy taekwondo practices I had abs those days XD

random selfie with three Aki ._.

APRIL

dyed my hair very dark brown

drew this when I turned 20

late night IGV matchingmania session

becoz I love this picture I don't want it to be forgotten

MAY

late night second round spaghetti session

AG 17

started to jog in the morning

painted my guy friend nails purple with a hair pin

owhhh and this sandwich icecream

more morning jogging with Curtin breathtaking scenary

yes I study with alcohol

a few seconds' scene on Curtin's promotional video

Amazing night with JCLA fellows

typical after presentation which I missss coz after that we parted course ;_;

JUNE

started with drunk Hari Gawai

wall look like this after a semester <3

still jogging

finals week, still jogs

a night where I did not sleep till morn studying

visit to rural longhouse after finals

eye surgery, blood soakssss

one day trip to Brunei before flying off that night

JULY

July started with travelling all around the UK

concert in London!

lucky fangirl got a signball from KNK, yes me

that amazing night <3

trip to Brussels, Belgium

reunited as 5 in Liverpool after so long

ZOE GRADUATED!!

Bucket list ticked in Spain visit La Sagrada Familia

AUG

back to Miri, rushed into project

night we suddenly had to move out

sudden decision to Marudi

Global Village!

SEP

Seventeen DIAMOND EDGE concert!!!

video shooting session

started gym with housemate

alone Bintulu site visit

lots of homecooked dinner sessions with housemate

OCT

started to get mentally physically sick a lottttt

NOV

amazing three guys tgt with me this semester <3

self dyed hair

ACAN with this two! <3

self potrait...?

Went Penang the next day after I got home

Eye. Surgery.

Lotssssss of reading.

DEC

Lots of cafe singing sessions

Meeting up juz like those old days

25annvs

Bao with mama

Got so sick I was shivering in a no aircon car in the afternoon

Mostly spent taking care this two guaigu kiddos

Random photo by the roadside, dyed hair black again

Lots of bowling session!

Moments like this makes me feel proud to be living this year so I hope the same for next!

This year was also pretty shitty(?) so I guess there's a lot of room for improvement for next year ._.

D-3 to Korea I was so busy preparing stuffs.

I'm going to stay there for around 2months for a project, guess there'll be quite a lot of travelling and activities, probably will be vlogging (let's hope it to be successful!) and also hope I get to update more here too!

And also I'll be going to PyeongChang winter Olympicssss!! I know this sounds unreal but it's getting nearer and nearer I hope to meet Yuzu gahhhh >< (please pray for me too!!)

Guess this will be the last post for 2017, so... SEE YOU NEXT YEAR~!!!

D-5 to 2018

"Oh and I.. don't know.. how to feel

Just like that.. 2013.. it's been real....."

I was humming to this song few days ago, and realised time really flies, it's been 5 years since this song. I remember counting down at home in the living room, watching Onmyoya(?) by Ryo and Chinen, then Troye Sivan posted this song on YT. I was a huge fan of him at that time, and look at him now, he's worldwide famous and I can't be more proud of him.

2017, to be really honest, is not really a great year for me. 

Although I had a lot of great times, made a lot of memories, achieved a lot of goals. It is also a year I felt so much more depressed, without a solid reason. It scares me that I'm becoming such a sensitive person, emotionally so fragile although no one did anything wrong, I was overthinking so much and also comparing and criticising myself a lot.

It is a year where I realised how scary it is to be mentally sick, even though I was just slightly feeling it but it kills me inside out. 

I can be feeling very positive and happy, posting ig story about funny things, then 5 minutes later I will suddenly feel all insecure and being left out. I can't focus on doing anything and I just want to switch off everything, let the dark swallow me, although I don't feel sleepy I have no energy to do anything. It felt very scary and I was thinking no one even cares about me and I was feeling very worthless no matter how I try to remind myself of all the positive stuffs.

I can't really describe all these feelings in details, as it was few months ago. It's glad that I don't feel like this anymore as those are the times I can't do anything and for me it is 10x or even 100x more scary than just physically ill. I was affected by this a lot it somehow did affects my studies and my daily normal routine.

I don't want to call this depression. 

As I know there are people out there suffering so much more than me.

I would like to call this pure sadness.

And I hope there's no one will feel this .. or suffer this.

Empty Promises.

This is my word, or phrase of the year.

I felt so disappointed to a lot of things, and people around me.

It keeps repeating in my mind, and to my disappointment(?) things that resemblance to this just continue to happen.

I just wonder why people wants to make promises when they can't make sure they can make it. It's okay to not make that promise. It's okay to say, no I can't make it. It's okay to just make that promise by heart then make it true. Although I chose to not give any hopes but then the truth really did hurts hard. Real hard. 

I know I should be focusing on more positive things, and people who really stayed by my side. 

It's just that I really was strongly feeling all these the whole year, and rather than not mentioning it, I have to be grateful that it did happened, and all these makes me appreciate who to keep.

To be honest, everything felt better because of SVT, BTS, OMG and many other more idols of mine. 

It's Namjoon, Mr.Kim who kept reminding me to remember to Love Myself. It's their songs that is able to switch my emotions after a very bad day. It's all those embedded lyrics that became my motto to continue working hard. I just have to admit that they are a huge part of my life. They are the purest and positive thing on this complicated earth. 

It's sad to hear about Jonghyun news recently, I was having so many complicated feelings when I heard about it. He was my bias in SHINee but I can't really call myself a fan as I didn't care about his news for such a long time, I felt sorry but thanks for all those sweet memories and talented songs. I don't know how suffering it was to felt so, how there was no one by his side. I just simply hope I can be the one by his side, maybe give him a hug, but no I was not. 

Idols saved us from depression. Please let's do the same.

It was so easy to say. But it was so hard to make it true. Now, I hope you do feel better. Be free.

I hope 2018 will be a year I slowly get out from these.

I don't mind to be more attached to idol groups, as long as there's a reason for me to keep working hard.

I came to realise that at the end of the day, what we need is just someone who tells me "You did great today. I'm so proud of you." and I will work my best no matter what or how.

2017 was a great year despite all those negative feelings.

I made my dream come true going to SVT concert with Zoe and Bii.

I made my dream come true travelling to the UK and a few other Europe countries, with my family.

I made my dream come true meeting so much more other idol groups.

... I don't know what other things I can list down here.

... I can't really recall anything truly amazing that happened this year.

... it's okay to feel this right?

... after all these lows, the life roller coaster will go up right?

... sorry for all those who tried your best to make a great memory with me.

... sorry I can't really remember those. But thank you.

... it's a year I slowly find that it's hard to complete my tasks.

2017, 20y/o, although quite depressing, I learnt a lot.

#有一种回忆叫校记

First!! Happy 25 anniversary to 校记！

有一种感情叫校记

I was not planning to go for this 25 dinner as most of my batch was not going as everyone is away for studies and work. I remembered one night Leong texting me asking whether I want to join and he was jio-ing a group of people going tgt. Huge TQ or else I won't be having such a great few days having such great memories at the same time recalling back and laughing at the crazy things we did.

Tbh it was quite a sad gathering for me as I know it will probably be my last one, and a such huge one with all 3 regions tgt, I get to meet back them after so many years and glad that everyone still felt the same, tearing a little inside.

It's actually quite easy for us in Kedah to meet, and although it might only be once a year, it always will turn out being the best day of the year. Of course I hope to meet more days, just like this one, although not much too, just two days, but the crazy stories we had, can get us laughing for the next few years XD

 We got on a train from Alor Star, to the jetty then took the ferry to Penang, just like what we did 5/6 years ago. Checked in to our stay that night, already feeling all tired HAHA Totally different with the young us, who straight went cleaning the classes and toilets, having meetings, practicing dances or trying games. Perks of being old? Or sad to be old??

Kedah-Perlis gang only four of us missing Leong who came late. 

We went straight to KwongWah after Leong came, and was expecting the same as the 20 anniversary, having fancy dinner in a hotel, but nahhhh 笑笑就好 haha

Glad thing is meeting up with so many people, that we usually only meet on Facebook XD we did enjoyed the first few dishes, but after a sudden rehearse for 抖肩 (which we didnt get to perform later) we ended up not eating anything after that XD

That night we went kacau the kiddos, even though I don't know most of them, I kept introducing my self as XiaoBai and people actually believed it HAHA we had a night saying we wanted to sing songs since we had a guitar and a drum, but ended up talking all weird things for 2hours and ended up singing nothing.

We went showered at 4am in the morning, and continues chatting squeezing in a bed, talking about all weird things happening in our unis, and funny things we went through. Sudden incident at 5am in the morning, with a bursting tap in the toilet, having to fix it and both Kz and Leong got all drenched, 果然校记少不了水战.

I had so much fun in this two days, with each and everyone of you. I felt young after such long time. 

It's my happiness, and I look forward to more happiness in the future.

屁孩们别忘了我小白！

一切都谢幕了吧

有一种回忆叫校记。

I think I'm halfway...!

5th semester in Curtin, and if I can pass every unit on time, I should be graduating after 10 semesters, so yea! Halfway!!

A post as a conclusion for this semester. Same, ups and downs.

I remember it started with a loooooong trip in the UK and Europe, then straight to running projects, having to move out suddenly, gaodim the EPs and try not to kill anyone at the same time as I don't have enough sleep for a few weeks. Survived, and looking back it look so far back away.

I can surely tell my academics and maybe clubs too got more heavier as I updated less (or maybe just my time management got worse who knows) I tried to keep up but then there are more priorities now I feel sorry for this blog.

This semester was not a very nice one to be honest.
There were so many happenings, facing so many dramas. Just a funny note so that I can laugh at myself in the future(?) :
- Not standing up to the right person just because I felt betray(?) and at the same time listening to someone I was closer at that time. Looking back, I just see everything so funny. But then, all those who did not stood up to the right person, are the ones supporting the wrong decision, and you know who you are. People are just so blind with an image and will not try to understand the whole story? That's the problem of lots of people nowadays, and it's sad =/
- Same like above, I did wrong and maybe ruined my whole semester just because I chose to hold grudge to my closest friend, and maybe also because we started to have different units and lotsa club events. BUTTTT still very grateful, that we spent the last few days of the semester preparing for finals tgt then had a few very crazy times tgt. STORIES ONLY WE KNOW.
- and lotsa betrayal dramas....
- Spent all my time on something that was not appreciated? Because of all those dramas?? But then I have to be really grateful that the closest two girls were so supportive and believe in me and I think that's enough coz the ones you really care hurts the most (and thanks for not hurting me? XD)
Thanks to those I have a looooot of alone time this semester, and those who really care shines in my eyes so its a few good lessons to teach me who to keep.

It's a very emotional semester that half of the days I was crying out loud in my room and have no idea what's happening and what to do. With all these emotional writings you can probably tell how emotional I was HAHA

I have to say it ended quite good though.
I felt like I learnt so much in another way. It helps me rethink so many things and clearly sort out what I want and who to keep.
Because of all those dramas and also emotional nights, I made an effort to try to sort out goals and gladly get to make some effort!! Those are what I think I want and although I'm still not sure, I believe that we can never really define myself, and getting to accept the fact(?) that it's okay to not know what I want to do =)

A little academic wise, Process Principles is really a KILLING SUBJECT, I think I'm prepared for the worst >< just pleaseeee don't let me retake TT
Thermo, RFC was theory, PEA was a little hard for me especially for the project, thanks for carrying me senpai!! I pay you with meals okayyy? XD
and also MPU subjects, Economics and TRIZ. I think I'm the only who took both units, Econs was fun and I was already looking forward before starting. Ended up?? I spent one night studying and squeezing everything in my mind and realised my brain was still functioning well just because Engineering was too hard for my brain ._. TRIZ was fun too, I learnt how to see things differently anddddd thats all HAHH

Okay holiday started for a couple days alrdy. Zen and JJ was back here and I have to take care of them when aunt goes to work. DISASTER. Very grateful I'm still alive.

For yourself

It's finals period and I just finished two papers in a day WOOHOOO, three more to go~!!!

TBH a few weeks before I was so damn depressed and at the same time getting sick makes it even worse, the feeling when you realize no one will be around you so far away from your family, and you're just simply nobody no matter how many friends you know or how many people actually told you they care for you. It's just been you, and you.

I was in my room for a few days, sleeping whole day I didn't even bother to eat.
My house was quite far from where I can get food, so basically will be sleeping away the hunger LOL
I had so much time thinking, that what is the point to treat people wholeheartedly, then being selfish to myself, ended up no one even cares. My mind was so full of empty promises, as people only wants to be with you when you are at your best, and don't even give a shit when you're at your lowest.

I had so many nights with huge mental breakdowns, feeling so alone.
Which I then realized this is very sick mentally, and I have to help myself out from this, instead of still putting hope on others.
I decided to do all those things I always wanted to do, but didn't dare or don't have the chance to.


I first trimmed and cut my hair by myself.
I've always afraid to cut my hair even its all dry at the tip, as I have originally curly hair and every cut is a challenge.
I started bits by bits, then slowly addicted, then ended up cutting quite a lot.
My hair was tidier and more light at first, but now it ended up quite hard to tidy because of the curliness on top LOL did not regret though. I felt so satisfied when touching those cut hair that felt like straws.
I also dyed my hair, by myself, for the first time.
I couldn't stand the color too light, although I originally dyed it black.
I didn't dare to dye by myself too, as I'm worried that I'll left any parts, especially the hair behind and below. I ended up doing quite a great job, and I can;t wait to try out more colors XD
I chose a darker color, which I didn't expect to be this nice, and now I loooove it so much.

Then I decided to do what I always planned to but didn't.
Since I was in uni, I decided to focus on non-academic clubs first as everything is still not heavy and serious. I promised myself to join academic clubs once I'm in degree just to know more about the industry, but then always ended up not joining because I was so laid back.
I did make an effort to join a site visit, and that's the only thing I did LOL I'm not even a member.
Since it's the end of the year, the club I wanted to join was recruiting committee, so I think why not give it a try. At least I put effort doing something.
I took some time and effort filling up all those questions quite last minute, getting through interviews, then a small election. I ended up getting my first choice position, which I did not even expect.
Thanks self, for starting to do something your previous self wanted to.

I also painted my fingernails a grey-ish blue.
I always felt it is weird as not much people do so (?) But if you know me years ago, I was so into nail painting, I did nail art for my nails just for the weekend. I kinda miss the old self, so I painted my nails anyway.
I found the happiness of it, seeing it when studying or writing, typing or using the phone. Beautiful nails do make you feel great <3

The next one was probably the one that took so much time and effort.
I always wanted to step up for a position in AIESEC but at the beginning of this year I was under a scholarship that needs me to score above 80 for my subjects and I don't think I can commit well.
I am now free from that and I was thinking of giving it a go before I wanna end this journey, either higher or to an end. Tbh I was not feeling a much of growth this year, not to say less opportunity but just simply I did not have the courage to grab.
I was not even thinking of being a project director, as I have things to focus and I am clear that I can't be here during the project. Since no one stood up and I suddenly was inspired and motivated, I decided to take up this position, which I did not regret a single bit.
I spent countless sleepless night, rethinking my journey and my growth, filling questionnaire and preparing documents for this application, thanks to everyone who helped and supported, and also... sorry I failed you (?)
I was so not confident this time I didn't even bring a shirt to change LOL and when they were sprinkling 'holy water' before pouring them to tell the results, I felt I've came so far and being all emotional and grateful to myself. Only I myself know how much did I grow, and maybe you, the one who is reading this blog since my first post.
Even I failed this election, I learnt a lot.
(to the one who gave me a hug after my failure, it means a lot as I was feeling so helpless tbh. I know I am always crazy and bubbly, but thanks for noticing my weak side <3 )

Then it's social media.
I hope I can talk this in another post, and hope I really do, social media is sickening. Posting positive stuffs, getting negative and hateful comments, all the compares and all self judgement.
If you noticed, I deleted my pictures from nearly 2k to around 66 ._.
I was very stressed and depressed. I was finding a way to come out and tbh I deleted the app so many times and ended up installing them again, because this is where I share my life with my closed one far away, it's still something I am passionate with, photography, even though I am not a good one. It helped me to spot and appreciate little beautiful things around me and it does help to make my life a better one.


It's a huge growth and I am glad I feel less depressed. I don't know whether I should call it slight depression, or purely sadness, as I still feel there are people out there having worse situation than mine.
This is a self reminder to love myself more, and also I hope all of you reading this, can do something for yourself, and I hope you know in this huge wide world, there is still someone cares a lot for you. You are not worthless, and by reading this post you already mean so much to me.
I don't want to get all emotional and deep in this post, but sometimes it is still important to remind yourself to give more love.
Care for those you care for you, and sometimes it is okay to not being love by everyone else, and just simply appreciate people who treat you good no matter how little.
Cutting people from your life does not mean you hate them, it simply means, you respect yourself. Rather than being tired to treat everyone good just to make them like you, enjoy being yourself and strive hard for yourself, you'll shine in that way and people will accept you as who you are.

Love.