Accepting myself

Its midnight,
I'm not sleeping,
don't ask why,
but I feel like sharing my story.

This morning,
I thought and realized,
that how much I had changed over these years,
about accepting myself.

To people who knows me,
I'm a light eater,
with a small appetite,
and I'll skip meals just because I'm lazy.

But to people who really knows me,
I have a very good appetite,
I can constantly eat a lot,
and I eat everything and totally not a picky eater.

So all of these started when I was in secondary school (?)

There is always a time that every of us,
will come to a stage that you want to change yourself,
when you realize the word 'beauty',
and you start to take care more of your appearance.

Well for me,
not so same,
at that time I realized how worse I looked.
I can't accept every bits of myself.
Flat nose, crooked teeth, small eyes, high forehead, curly hair that's always messy, a bit bare in the forehead, bad skin condition, pale skin that makes my pimples stand out, too macho broad shoulders, 'broad' face, chubby cheeks.
Nothing seems right.

I will usually go out with oversize shirt,
and....who am I kidding,
I don't usually go out too.
Maybe that was the time I was trying to start to find myself,
starting as an introvert.

I read a lot,
trying to find my inner beauty,
since I think I can't do anything with my outer side (ahaha
I picked up a lot of hobbies,
which becomes the things that I can hold on when I have nothing.
I trained a lot I went gym,
because I think that's the only part that I dislike which I can change.

but it didn't turn out well,
I starve myself eating little, I don't eat dinner,
I constantly worked out an hour at a daily basis,
for more than a year.
but I still remained quite the same,
now although I'm still aiming high,
but I started to accept my flaws,
and not feeling very disgusting in my own self.

One thing I realized is,
self-acceptance is quite important.
As I was leading and organizing events back then,
I need to socialize with all kind of people,
I need to learn to talk with all kinds of people,
and usually I'll be the one to start the conversation.

During camps,
when all of them were new to each other,
I'll need to be the one that's sweet and lovely,
and show everyone the crazy side of me,
to make them feel belonged,
and make them not to feel lost.

This changed me a lot,
from a total introvert,
that can't communicate well even buying things.

I was shocked too.

Now,
although my appearance doesn't change much,
but I started to accept myself,
and also figured out a way to keep on going.

Your attitude,
your way of eating, talking, walking, sitting,
everything matters.
You may be thinking,
'nahh so susah buat pa, I'll just be myself'
Yes, its because that you are the type that can accept yourself.

I believe there's a lot of people like me,
that have a very low self esteem.
Try to work on very little things in life,
and when all the complicated susah work becomes your habit,
you won't even think that's hard to maintain.

Now I am still myself.
Still an introvert,
but just adjustable to a outgoing person.
Maybe I had two sides of me,
the one that's the original,
introvert, enjoy silence and alone.
And the developed outgoing me,
that can socialize and lead.

Although there's still some times,
that I feel I'm nothing I'm useless,
but the important part is that I really changed a lot,
at least I started to accept myself.
And just starting means a lot to me.