Trust the progress, eventually you'll make it =]

I wanted to write this down for the longest time and I just couldn't find the right time to. Hopefully this time I will make it to the end.

The past two years were very suffering for me. Because of the pandemic, because of the uncertainties.

I still clearly remember that day when Thong and I decided to fly back from Miri the night that moment when MCO was declared due to COVID. When I was on the way to the Miri airport, the university haven't even announced that the campus will be closed, and I was so worried about my FYP and my lab works. Only when my flight landed in Alor Setar, I received an email saying final year students' lab work will be on a halt until further announcement. It was then another few stressful months because the lockdown full with uncertainties. There are a lot of times I was planning my way back to Miri for my lab works including the two-weeks quarantine. But luckily, in the end, with many discussions and lots of changes made, I was able to finish my FYP at home, with the combination of both lab works and simulations (which also means I have to learn both of them, where my halfway lab works kinda go unused, then have to learn all kinds of simulation software last minute). 

I have to say it wasn't easy at all. Thinking that all of my halfway-done lab works, being mentally stressful and tensed with the pandemic, having to learn new simulations software in a few weeks' time. All of these were done on top of the academic stress of the final year units. I had lots of sleepless nights and breakdowns. (wanted to complain so much but have to held it because out there people are dying because of COVID, losing jobs due to the pandemic, and for me its only study and stay at home LOL) I gave myself many times of mental preparation that whichever unit I fail or no matter how things turn out, I can just retake and spend another year to make things right. In the end, I managed to graduate on time and I really couldn't be more grateful!

After graduation I had a few days trip back to Miri, to tidy the house that was left hurriedly, finish my first aid training (which was dragged so many times and needed to be done in order for me to graduate, also one main reason I am flying to Miri), tidy my lab stuff (all my chemicals and apparatus was just left halfway, which I left when I was still waiting for my CQD to distillate), met my supervisor to return him stuffs and had a most relaxed talk with him (no more academic stress!), and also met with a lot of friends eating all food I've missed.

Moving forward from completing my degree, making an end by properly tidying my stuff in Miri, reality dawned again. I always knew I wanted to continue with my master's in research, and while I was halfway in my degree I planned to continue it in Aus. I still have some of my pocket money left in Bankwest when I left, thinking I will return soon anyway. I even planned to have a few gap months to travel around catch up with some friends while I think my next steps. What the pandemic did was making me rethink 'Do I need to go through the risk by going so far to continue my study', as by that time everything was so unsure. I feel very daunted by not being able to go all the way to the cities or campuses to further understand what I will be facing for the next few years, and having to travel around during the pandemic is giving me lots of anxieties. With nowhere to go and nothing to do at home for a period of time, I felt so not accomplished and felt like I was wasting my time if I don't immediately find a course to continue and have something to be busy with. I was giving myself so much stress to find a suitable university, supervisor, and research topic ASAP.

It was then another long story, emailing different lecturers in different universities. Trying to gather all documents needed from enrollment ALL THE WAY FROM AUS. Lots of phone calls video calls to further understand their research topics. It is very important to make sure the research topic is to your interest, as that will be the one and only thing you will be working on for the next few years. It is also important that the supervisor is responsive, passionate, and helpful (which in my case was a huge lesson for me LOL). I was asking around universities the research topics they offer and also the financial support they can provide. I was quite surprised as a lot of universities are offering me PhD courses without masters (which probably is because of my not-very-bad grades), including the master's I was doing, I was offered to 'upgrade' it to PhD. This is the moment when you are grateful that your grades and your resume are still presentable. But still, I am very sure that I will not be continuing my research studies, and was planning to start working after my masters instead of continuing in further education or a uni lecturer. I JUST WANT TO GET IT DONE ASAP LOL.

In the end, I was offered a research topic that I am interested in, together with a lecturer that is very helpful (at first =)) with full cover of my tuition fees, together with monthly allowance. Being accepted for the course, I would say, is THE ONLY happy moment in my masters research life. Rest is hell.

I will continue my life in hell in another part. 

好不开心

很不满意自己的现状

却也改变不了什么

力不从心的感觉

耳边有太多声音

每天接受的资讯也很多

总会希望自己也被好好对待

但到最后发现自己什么都不是

所以问题终究还是自己吗

因为对身边的关系不够上心吗

因为自己总是付出的不够吗

那怎么样才能成为一个值得被爱的人？

我知道每天被这种不痛不痒的问题困扰很可笑

但我真的好不满意现在的状况

不喜欢自己被对待的方法 不喜欢不值得的感觉

不管我怎么努力 怎么调整 怎么沟通

都没有人尝试去懂 因为我总是这么微不足道？

希望下一篇的自己

过着自己喜欢的生活 身边有喜欢的人

做想做的事 不被人事物束缚

Unwind and Express

Hi its me,

I'm here to explain why I am gone for so long,

when I'm explaining to you, 

I guess this post helps to explain it to myself too.

I had been afraid to express myself,

I am afraid I say something not appropriate,

I am afraid I sound lousy or funny,

I am also worried that I am bad at using the language too.

Generally, I am afraid to be judged.

I was thinking why I wasn't afraid to express myself back then,

where I can just write anything I want and just blurt things out.

I was either not afraid of people judging me,

or I was just not overthinking too much.

The reason for me to start this blog was even, to train my language, both Chinese and English.

Funny is that now I didn't dare to try.

I was finding a new reason for me to continue update this blog,

as looking back, I am quite grateful that I recorded things down.

It is quite fun to know what I was feeling or thinking back then,

I sounded quite naive and I sounded quite differently from how I am now.

Although I judge my old self for writing stupid things,

I also have a different feel at the same time, for how much I have changed throughout the years.

Things have been quite overwhelmed right now,

I am at my final semester of my degree,

and I am grateful for learning so much every time,

as it feels that this FYP makes me learnt the most out of my degree life.

I am constantly squeezing things out of myself,

and also learning tonnes of things in a short time, pushing my self limit.

It is a different experience, where I do not have much time to say "I don't know how to do",

I now just feel frustrated, complaining the workload, crying at how I am so bad at learning things, at the same time forcing myself to learn.

Few days later I will find myself mastering the software or found a way out, and forgot about my annoyed-useful-old self few days before, and this feels amazingly great.

I am grateful for the people beside me!

Thank you for keep encouraging me whenever I feel like giving up,

although most of the time I am clear that giving up is not a choice.

Thank you for dealing with my bullshits, especially when I am annoyed with my workload.

We all live our own life, and I believe it is no one's responsible to be patient with other's bad side,

so thank you, to be so patient all the time.

Other than that, things annoyed me are people taking you for granted.

Or to say, I am annoyed by myself.

Everyone have their own life and things to do, so you shouldn't be expecting someone to be there to help you all the time, especially when you could've learn it yourself. 

We are adults at the end of our four year degree, where we at least know that we should be responsible with our works, right?

Working with your friend doesn't mean he/she should back you up all the time too, it should've been the other way, helping to reduce your friend's workload. 

The reason why I am annoyed, is that I feel that I am being taken for granted as a friend, but at the same time I also feel annoyed for unable to go all out and be patient to help.

I am still learning to be more patient, but also at the same time to be better to myself too.

I am trying to find the balance in between.

I should've be more patient for helping others when they have a problem, as if it's me I would like to have someone helping me too.

But at the same time I should also know that going all out for others won't help me anything too, especially people are taking it for granted and trying to get things from you more and more.

In the end I won't be getting anything else, but a physically and mentally tired self.

That's so far for my update!

Thank you for reading until the end.

Writing things out do help me unwind and clear my mind.

I am quite glad trying to express myself too, 

I might not be good but let's hope this helps me to improve.

A song from 2017 which I found this morning, it expresses my current feeling so well!

偶尔 我走着的这条路

是向着正确的方向 前行着吗

我所说的话和行动

在被人的眼里 是怎样被看待的

想法变得多了 一天就变得短了

安慰我的 只是一声长叹息

究竟是为了什么 活到了现在

我现在是为了我自己正在活着

不知何时开始 我变得害怕休息

自信心掉到了谷底 羡慕成功的人

从未见过天空

没有时间去看周围

但其实所有都是借口 很想念以前

Feeling helpless

It's the last semester of my degree,
and Helpless is what I feel everyday.

Looking at the past,
I am very sure I tried my very best,
but the outcomes are always not what I expected.
Of course I want more,
I always make sure I won't regret by giving my all,
but I always fail myself,
making me think that is that I am not good enough,
or I just should have push myself even more.

I hate my life,
and I hate it even more,
when I don't have the strength to change things.
I hope I am happier,
but people and things just fail me all the times.
I learnt to not expect or hope for things,
because it will always end up differently,
and I am the one always getting hurt.
but because of that,
I hate myself now that have to not expect everything.

I am trying to do something meaningful everyday,
to fill my days up with positive things,
someone told me that trying to think positively,
is already a good attempt to be positive,
and it is already a good start.
I feel its so pathetic,
to have to make myself feel better by thinking this way,
just because we know we can't really do more anymore,
and this is the most we can do.

What to do?
We really have nothing we can do,
that's why we ask this question that we already had the answer.
We lived through life like this,
and we can only live our life like this,
because life is like this.
Its not something we can change by just thinking about it,
but trust me one day I will get out of everything,
leave every disappointed things behind,
but now I am just too small and too helpless.

Until that day,
I will continue feel this helplessness,
and live this life.

Rabies.

不知道该怎么开始继续写，
偶尔会看回这个blog，
然后尝试开始再记录生活，
但发现再也怎么找不回以前的感觉和文笔了，
索性不找，用着我快烂掉的华语，
用很多错别字的方法，
记录一下最近挺让我崩溃的一件事，
我被狗咬了。

只要在Curtin读书，住在Waters和Perkasa area的人就会知道，
每天走去搭巴士，被狗跟的痛苦。
一开始我还是挺庆幸的，
因为曾经一段时间每天早上跑步的时候，
遇到的的狗狗都会呆呆看着我路过，
完全没有要理睬我的意思。
久而久之我就有这侥幸的心理，
偶尔被跟，吓一下很快就忘了。

那天傍晚我很若无其事的走回家，
在我完全没想到会有狗狗出现的地方，
多了四五只狗，
眼前两只狗还在路中间打架，
在我心想是不是该绕回去走掉时，
两只狗狗同时抬起头看到我，
再疯狂地向我跑来，
大声吠的同时还引来了旁边那四五只狗狗，
在眨眼的瞬间我完全被吠个不停的狗狗包围了。
那时的状况就是，
前进也不是、后退也不是，
在犬吠声中走一步是一步。

然后其中一只狗就咬了我的小腿。

一开始我还以为是被蹭了一下，
吓到喊了一声，
用手摸摸，口水。
整个人不好了，怎么今天的狗狗那么凶。
头脑满满的是我要先逃掉这里。

终于终于，走过那一小段很长很长的路，
狗狗终于放弃了我，
低头一看，被咬了，怎么办。

那时可能狗吠很大声，
旁边朋友邻居都出来看了，
看到我被咬后说了一堆，
要去医院打针，Sarawak有狂犬病的，
几个月前Kuching才有人因为这样去世。
我整个大傻眼。

记得那天待在学校整天做事，
现在FinalYear了，说有多忙就有多忙，
我只想回家洗个热澡，再继续做事，
突然被狗咬还说会死掉是怎么一回事lol

-------
We rushed to Columbia hospital,
and the wound first just looked like this.

Nothing bad right.
I got a tetanus injection and the nurse helped me clean my wound.
I called my dad on my way to the hospital,
telling him everything just for the insurance,
while I was suffering with all the injections and wound cleaning,
Bii called as I didn't get the chance to tell her yet,
dad was quite worried and called her.
I was trying my best to explain to her,
which kinda divert my attention and helped the process much better.
The doc there asked me to go to the general hospital the next morning to register with the dog bite clinic and they will helped me more on my wound.

It was quite tidy the day before,
and I did not felt anything bad,
until I went to the hospital dog bite clinic.

They first helped me to clean my wound again,
and ended up me doing myself, like THIS. HELLO.
The nurse even asked me why did I not run.
To my knowledge, you shouldn't run when there's a dog, as the dog might get excited and started running even more.
The nurse said: Well, you did not run, the dog still bit you. No differences right.
LOL.

and the wound dressing became like THIS.
SO. MESSY.

Things are worse after that,
I went to the god bite clinic,
and the doc there tell me I have to have MORE INJECTIONS.
Since Sarawak is still declared under Rabies,
I had to have six vaccines injections separately on my DAY 1, 3, and 7.
Imagine have to travel all the way so far,
when you are already crazily busy with your assignments and tests.

Since my wound is quite deep,
the doc says I still have another six injections on my wound.
Since the vaccine has a limited period of active time,
I will have to go anytime they ask me to.
Worse come to worse,
I have to travel all the way to Bintulu for the vaccine,
depends on where they decide to send the batch of vaccine.

Me overthinking and over-worrying things did not make this easier.
If you google search on Rabies,
you will realize how scary it is.
Worrying about my tests,
worrying about my assignments,
worrying about the injections,
worrying about my life. LOL.

It was one of the worse period I had.
I tried to not feel anything,
coming out with a list of things to do everyday,
waking up and finishing it,
work till late night,
come out with another list,
go sleep and wake up to finish that list of things.

My mind was full of,
EAT PROPERLY, DO THINGS PROPERLY, REST PROPERLY.
好好吃饭、好好休息、好好做事。
I was so worried I will have a breakdown and things getting out of my control.
I just want to get over this period.

Things were abit better when I can just have my vaccine here in Miri,
and ... my wound is a heart shape lol.

I did not know how it became this worse too lol.

Coming to the end of this sem.
I'm kinda glad I survived everything.
Things could've been worse right,
I might just fall and got bit in the face,
tearing out my meats and muscles and all.
Quite lucky I just got a bite.
Quite proud I went through all these shit.
At least I did not die, or haven't die yet lol.

The cute dogs appeared to be not that cute anymore,
thinking that any bite from them might end up with rabies that will take your life,
if not, you still have to go through all stupid injections of vaccine,
and a lifetime worrying about it.
Now I kinda just hope the dogs in the neighborhood disappear,
stop making people worry and stop causing trouble.
For those dog owners,
keep them at home and take good care of them,
the wild dogs might have rabies and you won't know what will happen to your dogs that you left out of you gates.

Learning lessons

I missed my flight.

This is not the first time me having problems while flying.
I bought the wrong ticket after checking several times,
I last minute found out having a wrong date for my return flight after checking a few times too,
I forgot my passport while flying back,
I brought 30kgs luggage and realise I only have 15kg to check in,
what else... flying around is a nightmare for me, nothing is right,
that is probably why sometimes I am very stress when having to fly alone,
I check everything again and again but probably the stress overcome me most of the time,
things still always go wrong, just like today.

I was sitting at the opposite of the boarding gate,
right after I touched down, waiting for my time to get in,
I was looking at the time every 5mins,
and was staring at the gate for 15mins (probably at the time I have to get in),
I didn't know what is wrong with me,
I just didn't process everything with my brain somehow,
until gate closed.

I walked to the gate, seeing the door starting to get passengers from the other flight,
and getting rejected to get on the flight, seeing it still in front of me,
started panicked and called dad and mentally collapsed several times in a very short time.

I tried to get myself together for a few times a failed to can't stop crying all the way,
from in front of the gate, until I walked my way out of the arrival hall to the departure hall,
asked at the flight counter and bought another ticket,
I called dad and he did not did not scold me (although he did later),
asking me to stop feeling sorry and find a solution instead,
Zoe also saying that she will be coming over later after work as tmr is a holiday,
making me at least having something to look forward.

It's now four hours since I missed my flight,
sitting in a coffee shop waiting time to pass by,
with a lot of wantans produced in front of all the workers,
can't stop tearing thinking what happened today,
being very tired at the same time grateful.

I woke up at 7am today,
still being sick since the past few days,
did not have a charged power bank,
but an overweight baggage I still need to settle,
what's more tired than this.
But what makes me cry-stop non stop,
is dad worrying me at the same time asking me to learn my lesson without scolding me,
Zoe trying to tell me worse story to make my life better lol,
and coming over to spend a few hours through the night,
and VVP promise me to wake up early for me and fetch me at the airport (she better do),
to make me look less kelian (although I kinda forced her to, saying I am alrdy very kelian lol).

This is already not the first time this happened,
calling my dad crying that I need to buy a new flight tickets happened before,
everything happened today was just the same few years ago when I bought the wrong date,
and I am quite disappointed in myself for not learning my lesson,
and did not grow even a little in these few years,
just a little more kiamsiap and willing to wait a little longer for a cheaper tix,
very disappointing.

I hope this teaches me to grow up,
to be more alert,
to be more responsible,
and earn more money (so I can just missed all dem flights),
be more energetic handling things,
stop being always tired,
be someone I always want myself to.

I hope one day,
future me,
you are all grown up like dad and Zoe,
being able to calmly handling all your shits,
or let's hope there will be no shits in your life =)

To those who are very sad,
very negative mentally currently,
I hope things will get better,
everything will be over one day,
and good things will come once the bad once are over.

Alcohols and hugs

Three days at home,
with two nights crying,
and two nights drinking,
life is THAT overwhelming.

A lot of things is changing,
the people around me,
my own life,
and the life of the people around me.

Its another huge change,
not in my life,
but the middle of our lives.

I still need to learn how to handle changes,
I wish I could teach others how to handle changes too,
including teaching my own self.

I hope the old me can come out and give me motivation,
the old me can teach me how to find direction,
and the old me to share how positive I was.

My emotions are like a roller coaster ride,
which I can't even control,
and I am already tired of this scary ride,
I hope this ride will stop soon,
give me time to settle down my dizzy mind,
take a breathe before I am ready for more.

One thing in my mind that keeps me going on,
her voice that tell me "no point of worrying of this things",
no one can tell me this except her,
our time spent not together is longer,
that might be the reason how good is she in my imagination,
but this imagination keeps me going on,
and I believe that is the only thing that matters.

For now,
this two mental break down,
thanks for dad's alcohol and hugs,
can't wait to grow up,
can't wait to settle down,
but I still don't get enough of this YOLO yet,
me having different thoughts.
Ughh.
Sleep. Nite.

Ending life as an intern

Two weeks left before I leave this big city.

Seeing everyone going to work in the early morning, and seeing the dim office light in the all dark office in the evening, everyone is struggling to be something. I sometimes wonder do they overthink like me, do they enjoy their busy hectic job, or do they just work for the sake of working, being numb with the everyday life.

Surrounded by people working their ass off every day, sometimes getting to experience the sardine train during peak hours, and the peanut butter jam on my way to work, is quite a dream come true to me.

I do enjoy living in small city, enjoy the peace and a lay back lifestyle, just like my hometown. That will be exactly the life I want when I grow old, but not just yet. I still feel like discovering the potential lies, or maybe just experience working the hardest when I am still young and having the energy. I am not afraid to fall, but afraid of not trying.

This three months in KL was eventful, and also, too short.

I am not ready to leave yet, as I feel I still have so much to learn, and the time being here is too short and I still feel that I can achieve more, if I am given the time. Life in a big city turns out to be exactly what I imagine (some part). I love how I am working some important and responsible things at work, communicating with people in the same field, using technical terms that only we understand, that feels professional and to think it deeper, it is something that I brought myself to, after studying these years, getting into this company, doing this small little role in the company. I am proud, although quite insignificant in this company. This small little achievement proud rush makes me want to achieve more, and become bigger. Hope this big dream of mine will be closer!

I am also liking how this time I got to achieve this work-life balance thingy (except for days Zoe finish work at 10pm and the only thing I want to do going home is sleep).

Other than that I do exercise, I do cook, and I started drawing too. On weekends I meet my friends, I visit places that I want to, I spent time with important people and I fill time up with the things that makes me happy. I tried to fill up all my time so I won’t feel empty, and it kinda work for this period, hope it still works the same for next semester.

Saying of filling up time. OOR is ‘crashing’ Ed Sheeran’s concert, a day before my birthday. I felt like giving myself a present, a tix to the concert but guess who spent a huge amount of money on BTS concert in SG I don’t think she can afford anymore although this time it’s much more cheaper ._. Let’s hope one random night I go YOLO and spend all my food money on that, sounds quite great I can go on diet and slim down too LOL

Saying of concert, BTS IN SG. Through this period of time I also went to Singapore, twice.

Once is for BTS concert and another time is for a site visit to the FPSO. Both were extremely great memories that I don’t have time to write my feelings into words and I hope I have the time soon! Now Singapore has much more meaning, because at the beginning of this year, 2019 when I was young, 22, I made the greatest memories with the loveliest people there, and also learnt so much and gained my first experience on site too!

I always tell people I am not ready for it to end just yet, just like how I told here. I had this mindset since I first came I guess, everything is just like rainbow cotton candies, fluffy and sweet since the first day, and I really hope things can just stay this way, forever. But I guess there are more responsible, more challenges I have to face, getting out the comfort zone (again, soon) to grow myself more before back to this lifestyle, where I work hard for things I want, in this busy and cold steel forest, but never failed to amaze me with every day with surprises and keeps me in awe.

It's all about the little moments

Today is the last Friday of 2018.
It felt like just a normal day, a normal week.
The everyday routine now is wake before 7am, get out of the house around 730am, reach office 8am, work whole day, get home around 8pm, cook dinner and do chores until 9pm, workout until 10pm, shower then sleep.
It's work, cook, workout, shower, sleep and repeat for weekdays.
Somehow it does feel a little robot, but filling the time up with things to improve myself, so to learn to love myself more, it might be the hard way, but it's worth it.


I am glad 2018 has been great.
Thanks to this roller coaster ride for returning up, I hope I can remember this moment, and continue this feeling.


I remembered starting the year in Korea with strangers wishing me Happy New Year, and this year is ending soon with mom and Bii came before Christmas and spent a great and warm weekend (with a lot of shopping).
I got the chance to stay in Korea for two months, living life as a local.
I started a new semester in Miri by giving up all, and gaining the most important ones.
I travelled six countries in a month in summer.
I got the chance to exchange in Perth for a semester, seeing more of the world and met friends that care for me.
I started interning in one of the top oil&gas company (with amazing working culture and great colleagues), started living life with Zoe after being apart for five years.
aaaand a lot of small little things throughout.


2018 moments:
- exercised for the whole year
- learnt a new language in Korea
- went to PyeongChang Olympics
- started vlogging to record moments
- did my JLPT test after so many years
- learnt to cook thanks to Cindy!
- exchanged in Perth
- travelled six countries in a month
- living life the whole year out of a M size suitcase
- went to Day6 concert!
- does meeting Vivianna counts(?)
- started intern in an oil&gas company
- went to Animenz and Theister concert
- cycled a whole day at Rottness island


I guess in life there are ups and downs and I am glad this year was filled with amazing people and moments that makes my dull part a little brighter.


2019 goals: record more moments, learn to treat others a little better, work harder like crazy, live the moment

It's my third week of internship.
I got into an oil and gas company, which was one of the top8 list I had.


It is a dream come true, I have to say.
Getting in one of the top companies is my goal, and it turned out being a very good one training interns too.
I got to do presentation, I need to learn about the whole company. I was spending a lot of my time talking to engineers in different disciplines. Everyone was doing very professional works, and everyone is just very enthusiast in solving problems. When I asked about their disciplines, they replied me immediately and made me meet them, introducing me and taught me so many things about the upstream field, showing me projects they are working on and some just spent more than an hour just to make me familiar.
Other than that, I have a technical task to work on. I have a supervisor and he asked me to do research on two technologies and come out with a report for him. I thought it was just a random topic until one morning I was suddenly asked to join a meeting with vendors from the outside, with people from Norway and the UK, then I realized it is for a project they are working on.
It felt magical. I did not expect myself doing something such important, and I am so glad I was given the chance.


The company is also amazing in its working culture.
We have very flexible working time: in and out at whenever time, as long as we finish 40 hours work a week. There was one Friday I left at 12pm and went out to meet my friend. Weekend felt like three days!
On my first day to work, I got my own desk, my monitor, a huge set of stationaries, and my own desk phone (which I did not expect that I actually used it quite a lot alrdy HAHA)
The people here are also very helpful, very caring and always ready to teach. There was a few times where I bumped into people in the pantry or the washroom, and people just walked up to greet me "Are you the new intern?" or "Are you Siah Qi?" and started to ask things about me.
They are always helpful in teaching me useful things, that is useful in the future. From what information and knowledge I get to learn about the upstream oil and guess field, to what companies that I can apply, and even interview tips for the future. There was one day where I left home late and someone just walked to my desk and taught me to access the company's library for more things I can read on when I'm free. Thinking that they have so many things to work on, and they still spend time caring and teaching me, I just can't be more grateful!


Seeing stories posted on my ig, a lot of people came to ask about my company.
Funny enough is that the company is currently having only me as the intern coming in at this time, and the pay is quite okay comparing to the allowance the other companies offer me.
Going around the company I still get questions like "Do you know someone in the company to get a placement here?" and that makes me more grateful for getting this offer! I know I have to work even harder to reach theirs and my expectation.


The company is currently working on new projects, and seeing people so passionate working everyday makes me love more about what I am learning and I somehow just can't wait to start working (although I still prefer studying and being stress free financially lol).


Imagine living in a big city I always hope for, staying with Zoe and going to work together, taking care of each other. She is working very hard for her job right now, working so much more hours than I do, and even spend her evenings at home working. Seeing her being so passionate and work so hard for her job is just so inspiring everyday!
I will definitely miss the drives back home everyday, where we share on what we are currently doing about our job, although it is two different worlds, it feels amazing listening to stories and also how different we are.
Also the last time we were staying together for a long period was 5 years ago, where I was sitting for my PMR and she was sitting for SPM. We spent so much time supporting each other, studying together and went through so much together too at that time. 5 years later, it feels amazing that both of us started working, being part of the adult society, still as close.
This is definitely something we couldn't imagine 5 years ago. I am also very glad it is Zoe who is the one together with me, motivating and inspiring me with what she is doing. I love LOVE looooove how we are growing and becoming a better person together <3 (and Bii too, I need to mention her more, she is even amazing <33333

The first Saturday since I am back in Malaysia.
Zoe went to her company annual trip to Port Dickson and I am home alone whole day.

Just finished a phone call, with a a harsh word and hanging up the phone in a bad manner.
I had how much I care. I hate how much it hurts.

Its been a while since I felt so.
I want to run out the house and just jump off from the fence. I want it to end.
Reality. It's so suffocating living others life.
I never felt so for so long throughout the years. Never did I felt sad when I was in Perth. Just because two sentence of harsh words I can't control myself crying.

I hate the weak me.
but I even hate people that fight for no reason.
I hate people who say things without thinking of my feelings.
I hate how they want to make life worse when it is already so bad.
I hate how they never care for my feelings.
I hate how they remind my low self esteem.
Why can't we talk in a good way?
Is this what you call love?
I am just a human that is struggling to survive.

I will probably forget what is this little thing that happens today.
but after so long, this is the day when I totally don't want to talk to anyone.
Even a coming message makes me wants to swallow pills and end everything.

I hate myself.
I hope I will never have the courage to end.

Little things

The little things that made this year warm.
It's a year I met so many good and nice people in life, probably just because a little change in mindset to help and give than to take. Amazing things happened after that and my life suddenly became warm.

I remember I started this year in Korea, when it is so cold in a city that I don't speak the language, by myself with a lot of luggage, a girl that was trying to get out of her comfort zone.
It was just before going on my flight from KL, I texted a friend that I know who is Korean, and she immediately says that she can go around with me a few days and asked me to stay at her place.
I was so shocked by that time as she replied without even thinking. That night, her dad drove around 2 hours to the airport in another state to fetch me almost midnight, and I had a really warm night for my first day in Korea.
The next day we went around and count down together with a huge crowds, trying to keep each other warm and wishing people around Happy New Year. Although I don't know how to say it in Korean, and just blankly following what other says, it was so cold that night, but my heart was so warm.

After that I moved to a girl's hostel where I stayed in a bunk bed in a room of eight.
I was not expecting anything, just hope time flies by faster before I can go to a better house.
It was a very small room where we don't even have space to open up our luggage. In that small room there's seven other girls some travel together some traveled alone.
I remember I was so shy and was with my bed curtain closed all the time.
A girl approached me with strawberries she bought, and another girl gave me a banana milk too. From then I started knowing them, some are here for a concert, a girl (which I now still keep in touch) was here from US to teach English, everyone was alone but not but not lonely.

Time in Daegu was great. Maybe it's a small city and the people there are all so warm.
They actually don't need to keep us accompanied during the free time, but despite having a lot of homework to catch up or part time to work, they spent all of their free time bringing us to places we want to go. I still remember that night where we had to say goodbye, we went for dinner and two friends left for tuition. We continues to play bowling until 11pm, and another guy was going for tuition after that at that time.
Although they are younger than me, they thought me a lot more and was much more mature than I am.

I then traveled to GangNeung for winter Olympics where I stay in a room with another Japanese lady who is also a fan of Yuzuru.
She is at the age older than my grandma, which she started to follow figure skating games since she retired. She don't have any social media account, not even good using the internet, but she managed to get around the world, with the help of others to get a flight tix or a game tix, even better than I do.
She was following me the whole time when we went, and was telling my lots of stories, I brought her to random places I want to visit, even introduced her to VR games.

Other than that I met so many people travelling around purely because of the games in that hostel. They shared a lot of stories that makes me realized how big this world is and how small I am, and also how big I can dream and achieve too.
I promised myself I have to work much harder in the future, to see the world myself, to meet more people, hear more stories, and also to share the journey to inspire more people, that we can do more than what we think.
I remembered that night leaving GangNeung, the hostel lady even sent me out on the taxi and waved me goodbye. I was so touched by that time.

This is what all happened during my journey in Korea.
A country that I don't speak the language.
A country that I traveled alone by myself.
A country that made me feel so warm despite all hardships.

I then met amazing friends in Miri again, then throughout my trip in Europe for the whole month, and even more amazing people in Perth.

Leaving Perth in three days, although a lot of friends left already. I still feel so sad to leave.
I will not forget random road trips we had, random jogging session, cooking at my house, out for good food after assignments and tests, way to groceries, exploring the campus and all the weird jokes we have.
Also not to forget the Erika house gang, always not forgetting me every time there's good food or going places, always make sure I'm not alone when everyone left. I will miss nights playing board games or simply chatting, I will miss every single one of you. TT

One more month left for 2018, where I have to start a life in another country. Can't believe it's time to fake adult and do professional things. I am not sure whether I am ready, but I hope things will be smooth for me <3

Day 1

It felt like Day 1 in Perth, on the day when everyone left.

It was yesterday when we were still playing and joking, with my heart feeling so full, with their existence. I slept late last night, and was struggling to sleep until morning again.
When they came to fetch Cindy, I was wide awake, I was wide awake but I don't dare to step out my room, thinking that I have to say goodbye to them, and this is the end.
I heard them talking, the voice so familiar that I hear almost everyday here in Perth, that makes life here never dull a day. I cried so much until they left, until I fell asleep again.

When I wake up again, the house was so quiet, thinking that I went through this empty stage when I first came, but after meeting Cindy and she filled my life everyday. Every tough moment became funny when you have someone beside you. So used to someone beside me, so used to the gang's noises, it felt much more empty when their voices are still beside my ear.

Since I ran out of groceries, I walked the way to the nearest mart to get some groceries. Although I did do it alone sometimes but all I kept thinking was the jokes we made to the way to the mart, our first grocery shopping with KQ and stole a trolley all the way home, randomly stopped beside a lake and started feeding ducks. I never realized I am so attached to them, until everyone left.

On my way home, with two huge heavy bags of groceries, it suddenly poured like mad. The weather was probably feeling my emotions, being sad when everyone left. It was a 15 minutes walk back home, and I was drenched dripping with water when I got home. If only someone is together with me, we probably will laughed so hard for this misery, but it's only me, which I can't even laughed a bit.

I know I have to man up, immediately changed and did the laundry, started playing songs loudly and try to clean the house and my room, throwing away and tidy up things.
It was when I can't find one of a card that I use in Malaysia, a very random card which I forgot which bag I left in. I felt so helpless and started to cry very loud, that it fills up every corner in the house.
I forgot how I stopped, but I did finish cleaning the house and found the card, watching random videos that didn't even fill my heart. I don't want to do anything I don't want to talk and I just want to sleep.

I didn't know how I made it to this night. I did a little studying and watch a few other videos. I was crying so much today that my head was in a huge pain. Writing this post makes me cried so much again and even a severe headache. It felt like highschool's camp, when you put all your heart knowing your friends, and in the end we have to leave.

Maybe I am emotionally too weak at times, and I hope there'll be no more goodbyes. It's sad that I don't have someone to talk to about this, and I hope if you're going through this, I will be by your side to give you a hug, as I know how bad it feels, to say goodbye and to be alone.
This year was full of goodbyes, I went to so many places and met so many people, that I know we might not be seeing each other for the next time anymore. Even though I know the relationships will be short, but I still will choose to put all my hearts to all kind souls I met. I know this is a part of growing up, but all the tears shed still haven't makes me any stronger
I hope that day won't come, I am not ready to grow up and I believe these tears shed are worth it for the memories we had.

This is the night I felt so empty because of all the kind souls I met in Perth. <3

Things I am working on

This is my Nth attempt on writing a blog post.
I had been trying to write one throughout the semester but all of it ended in the draft section as my head is in a hugeeeeee mess.

This year was so achieving, at least for my standard.
I had been doing so many things, counting from the beginning of the year: Korea, Olympics, Day6, 6 countries in summer, exchange in Perth, and all those small little things.
I am glad I had been travelling a lot while I am here, attending events too, some might not be achieved but I am already feeling grateful. (Although my grades might not be good LOL)

Things are still a mess, I still need to rush prepare for my JLPT test before I fly back, I still have so many little things to settle (and things I want to do) before leaving here, I still need a proper reply for my year-end internship, I am still not sure about my working hours to achieve.. and guess what? I just bought our tickets to BTS Love Yourself concert in Singapore.

I am so packed with my academic right now. I am still very bad at managing my time (and also my life lol) but I guess the only way is to do it and get it done ONE BY ONE.

This is a short note on: There are so many things we want to do in life. The only way is to keep grabbing chances and pushing yourself. Worrying too much won't help and the only way is to DO IT. As long as you belief you can, you put 120% effort in it, there will be no regrets. Better do it than regretting it =) I BELIEVE YOU CAN.

This semester has been very fruitful so far, and I have to admit I am loving my life here a lot.
I think I'm really lucky, to be given the chances, and to be able to meet amazing people.
Only one semester here is really too short, together with academics to take care of, I don't really have a lot of free time spending around people (half for study half for human HAHA) but I have met so many kind people so far. They accept me as myself, they treat me nice without knowing me, they helped me with my studies and my life, and I can't be grateful enough.

I did not expect myself to make so many new friends. Actually I did not expect anything. So thanks so much for everyone who came to my life.
Maybe it's because I have so little time here I have to try to fill it all, I am feeling so busy everyday, but in a very organized way!

I'm glad I tried to make plans for my tuition free week, I tried to go festivals, events, and concerts, I tried to go on road trips, I tried to have random nights out, and I tried to challenge things I have never done. Above all, I'm glad I'm feeling even more focus on my studies. (OK now I know I am the play hard work hard kind, no play no work haha)
Only thing that is bothering me, no matter how hard I tried and I'm still far, is securing myself an internship at the end of this year. I am a little wakuwaku to start working in the field, and if I can get a one I'm satisfied with, I believe this year is already gonna be so damn amazing.

There are down times too. There are times when I feel why is life so unfair. I felt I am really so lucky having a good family, a good education with good friends. I really do hope life will get easier to each and everyone beside me, as you guys really are angels in my life that makes my life better!

I am glad my friends back in Miri still contact me so often I am touched!!
I really am the kind that don't that the step to contact first so thank you, even a call makes me feel that I am important and thank you for missing me uwu.

Side not: SVT is having a concert in KL tmr which I went with Bii and Joe last year, can't make it to this year but I hope they have fun in Malaysia! *Switch off all social media I am a ball of jealous*

Climb higher, but appreciate.

I remember before changing my blog quote to "Appreciate the little things in life", it used to be "Climb higher, not so the world can see you, but so you can see the world".

I was having my PPE lecture and the class was around 30 students, unlike back in Malaysia, students here are more likely to share their opinions during class.
There was this time when the lecturer asked the class who had done their vacation internship and there were around 5 students who raised their hands, followed by sharing what they did in their internship. Their sharing makes me felt more like what I'm currently studying sounds much more practical, and they gave me the feeling that they are studying not to pass, but to apply it in real life.

I don't know whether it is my Asian kiasu genes working, or it's just the reality dawned on me, I felt that I am so left back. I am being content by able to get good grades, able to do things I like and able to grab opportunities, but I felt still so behind.

This post might be just a reminder for myself, to always be content, but at the same time, aim higher and do more, work harder. I might be good, but I am just not good enough.

I started to think back what I have done during my free time. Maybe I did some volunteering jobs and some exchange program, working on something that I called "interested in". I think I learnt it the hard way, that even though I want to work on more education projects, but everything I can do is just so little, and maybe I should climb higher, becoming stronger and then focus on it.

I might be doing my internship at the end of this year. Back in yesterday I was still so unmotivated to work on it, it felt like a burden to look for internships, and I was still thinking: growing up sucks HAHH
But definitely not today, after some short sharing sessions, it makes the work life sounds so interesting, and this kinda motivated me!

Climb higher, but appreciate. 

Landed and slowly starting the semester

Leaving home was kinda rushed.

Mom was running places with me and sent me to the airport even though she's not feeling well.

The scene from my second flight was 100%, a huge yellow moon so low so huge and so clear.

It was a looong flight, with a loooong sleep and I landed late at night, feeling a little too cold, tired, sleepy and a little scary.
Safely made my way to home, had a hot shower, and went to a little chilly bed with my Koda.

First day here was trying to settle down, I tried to went around a bit, got my SIMcard and bought groceries.
Before I remember I have to go around the campus, I was already with two hands full off bags of groceries LOL
So I ended up not going a lot of places, stayed at home, didn't really know what to do HAHH

Second day here was GREATTTTT.
I got to go out with my friend's friends to town, as they were on a vacation here, I got to go touristy places in Perth!

We first dropped by the campus for Open Day, got a little familiar with the environment. Spot ARMY on campus too!

We then went all the way to the city, dropped off at Elizabeth Quay, took some pictures and walked all the way to Crown Perth.

Accidentally met Hossein which I knew him back in Miri, so we went around the town together too!

Had Honey Creme's ice cream and grapefruite juice. The ice cream was soooo good, insta worthy too!
We then went to UWA to go around, which we passed by the Blue Boat House which is in the middle of nowhere.

Being touristy in another university.

Gang of the day!

We then walked all the way to King's Park for the sunset. It was a long journey as what we only had was Google Maps. We did not get to catch the sunset but the view was amazingggg.

That night we rushed back to town for Korean BBQ for dinner as a long queue was expected.

After dinner, we then suddenly decided to have soju, 3bottles for 7 of us HAHA
Brings back my memories back in Korea, I miss every single one I met in Korea!!
Got a little dipsy as not everyone is good at drinking, we then went to Elizabeth Quay again for the night view. It was so cold and was raining a little so we had the whole place.

First day of school was a little lonely, I went to open my bank account and got my SMARTrider card, went around the campus and I was so bad at direction I spent 30mins to find my class LOL The future me will laugh at my old self XD

Dinner was cooking at home with Cindy.
We accidentally cooked too much LOL

Second day was an early morning 8am class. It was so cold in the morning, such nice weather to sleep I dozed a few times during lecture.

Got to meet up with an old friend after class too.
He showed me around, and we got good food and had a great talk.
Thanks for the meal too!

This kinda sums up the few days after being here in Perth.
Still did not get to make a lot of friends yet, and still getting lost on campus.
Still a little free now, and still finding things to do!

It's getting busier soon I guess!
Will try to keep updating!!

A new life chapter, in Perth

It still feels so surreal, that I am going to do this semester in Perth.

I keep wondering do I deserve all this opportunities, as I don’t think I am good enough. I’m afraid I’ll lose something after gaining so so much.

The past semester break was great, amazingly great. I went to places, living the life. I went back home too, enjoy all the small little happiness with people I love around me.

It’s hard too, I realize, to not lose yourself after so many criticism.

Yesterday was Zoe’s call ceremony at Middle Temple, now she’s officially a barrister. My all time study partner, my inspiration and my motivation now graduated and starting to work!! I miss those days we burn the midnight oil to study for PMR and SPM together, with Jpop and Kpop idols being our motivation all time. We do argue a lot but I’m glad in the end only those lovely memories remain.

This morning I went to a temple near our house, we pray for everything to be smooth for us and everyone to always stay healthy. I really don’t wish for more as I felt I have more than enough, I am having a lot of things that I don’t really think I deserve. For the family to be healthy and things to be smooth is all I wish for.

We then went for last minute shopping and rushed home to pack before rushing to the airport.

It’s amazing how this blog sees me from a little girl knowing nothing, until her first trip alone, travelling to places, and now being a little grown up, knew more things and starting to study abroad. It still feels the same though, I am still afraid of a lot of things, but I am also brave enough to face it.

I still enjoy having life changes, facing all challenges always teach me so many things and grow me up and it makes me feel alive.

I hope in the future, I am able to remain these feelings, being hungry for more and not afraid of changes. I hope to not give up to want to live the life I want, and always be ready to learn more and also work harder.

I don’t know who to thanks, but thank you for giving me all the opportunities, thank you for always supporting me, thank you for staying by my side, thank you for being my motivation and thank you for believing in me. This is to each of you who are by my side. Thank you.

I'll try my best to update more! 

6 movies in 15hours

Just ended 15 hours flight, together with two hours transit in Doha, and also 7 hours in Edinburgh airport the night before, a total of 24 hours. 5 more hours to spend in KLIA with 1 hour flight ahead, and I will be home.

Only times like this, you feel like home is LITERALLY that far.
My flight from Edinburgh to Doha was amazing, might be the few latest Qatar flight, equipped with large wide touch screen, USB and plug.

Finished a total of 6 movies, some halfway, and a few songs in my playlist throughout my flight.

I started with The 8-Year Engagement, a romance, in a total two hours I think I cried for more than an hour. It is THAT touching. It was a movie from a real life story, so the story line made me feel more (or maybe just because the lack of sleep the night before).

Second one was Kingsman, suprisingly, I haven't watched this movie that everyone was talking. A simple nice British movie I guess.

The third and forth movie was during my second flight. Sparks(hanabi) and Isle of dogs. Did not finish both. Sparks was simply nice and Isle of dogs way of story telling was quite special (the guy beside me suggested this one), so special I got bored halfway LOL.

Then, About Time. One of the best movie I've watched. Another romance that caught my heart, and a few lessons that I would really like to remind myself, to always live the moment of every single life episodes.

Last one was Moana, simply watched it for breakfast. Love the soundtrack and the animation, and I simply didn't want to risk another bad movie for my nice breakfast.

Couldn't believe 20days passed by so fast. This will be followed by 2 weeks back home, then another new chapter of life studying abroad in Perth.
Recorded down my summer days in Europe on my Youtube channel, OhMyQiqi. I put quite a lot of effort in constantly producing videos throughout my trip, so please support by watching <3 Although those might just a compilation of a few clips of me turning rounds, thanks for watching.

I'm not sure whether I'm ready for the coming changes and challenges, but I do hope everything will be smooth. Also, let's hope the future me will put effort in updating more frequently. By then, ciao!

The sem before leaving to Perth

Year 2 Sem 2. Done.

I woke up with a severe headache this morning, but I can't sleep in as I have an appointment at 8am later. I guess this is the sense for growing up, so painful.
Finishing my last paper was two days ago, but it felt like weeks ago. This two days was crazy hectic, I have to pack my stuffs, but at the same time have to spend time with the people I think is important here in Miri as this will be our last moments before me leaving to Perth.

This semester was treating me so well and I'm so so grateful for the people around me.
Looking back to my previous posts and writings, I can't recall what happened to me last year and everything seems surreal again. Thank you, for letting the life roller coaster ride a huge lift, everything felt just so right.
I remember I started the semester telling myself to treat people friendly and warm, but don't expect anything in return. Maybe the not expecting part helps, the time spent with the people I new met this semester was amazing. It's not like everyday enjoy kinda amazing, just sitting in class and talking like normal makes me feel amazing.
I got to meet a few friends a younger batch than me, and it started by me unable to choose the same class with my old friends, and I randomly chose a tutorial group, brave myself into the class alone and found out I remembered the wrong time and was late for class, randomly sat with some random strangers as we need to be in a group of three for the weekly assessment, and it turns out they are a bunch of amazing human beings.
Thanks for letting me in your group of friends every week, asked me out for volunteering events together, helping me with my studies, sharing notes and back each other up for lab sessions and weekly group assessment. I will miss the times during tutorial and lab sessions where you guys will share your stories for the whole 2/3 hours. I can't be more grateful to know you guys although this might be our first and last semester spent together, hope we can still keep in touch in the future!!

I also met a few seniors that will cares for my studies by keep saying "fail liao lo" and nags me out for study and food, volunteer to fetch me to campus for classes, accompany me to settle my private stuffs, thanks for not letting me doing this alone, thanks for not buying my "no need I can do it myself", it felt so warm and safe to be with someone else.

By knowing more friends means more social, which is still a pain for me haha.
Most of the times I will still refuse to social, still ignoring messages, still not reply and chat, when I was talked to, but thanks for still staying with me despite me being myself all the time.
Thanks for still diedie drags me out for social, its sometimes tiring but I have to admit it feels warm every time.

Knowing new friends at the same time makes me appreciate for those who stays.
Thanks for understanding and treat me just the same. I still enjoy the communicate without words, hanging out without talking, silent moments when being together. Although sometimes I will be the more annoying one especially when we are really close, the kind that I can kacau you but will merajuk when you kacau me back. Still a balance I need to figure out HAHA

TBH quitting all previous positions and responsible that I joined and worked hard, to make myself a better person, and choose to join what I really enjoy, allows me to be myself more.
I learnt to not care that much, I learnt to let go, at the same time I learn to appreciate.
I learnt to be with myself and not hate myself, although sometimes I still can't accept myself, but I am glad for myself by doing what I want.

This sem seems less achieving, but I felt happier. Learning not to care about what other thinks and the social standards, allow me to do things I think is achieving in my own perspective, and this means a lot to me.

I treated this sem as a new start, as last sem I told myself 失去所有又怎样，重新来过就好了，就像刚到这里时那样 <3 and amazingly it works, new friends, new lifestyle, new things to work on and new things to be happy with. Moreover, the old sweet ones still stays, adding value to this new start. If you are one of those who stays by my side after all these years of me being rude and cold, THANK YOU.

I am still learning how to give, still learning how to be nice and good to people around, thanks for being patient with me, I hope one day I will give you lots of love just like how you guys gave me, be there with you when you needed just like how you guys helped me through. By then, I will try my best.

I'm leaving to Perth for a semester, and it makes this amazing start a stop, and I really hope its just a pause. New environment mean more challenges, and I hope I am ready. I hope life treats me great, and I hope I am strong enough to fight my next battle.

See you when I see you then.