Alcohols and hugs

Three days at home,
with two nights crying,
and two nights drinking,
life is THAT overwhelming.

A lot of things is changing,
the people around me,
my own life,
and the life of the people around me.

Its another huge change,
not in my life,
but the middle of our lives.

I still need to learn how to handle changes,
I wish I could teach others how to handle changes too,
including teaching my own self.

I hope the old me can come out and give me motivation,
the old me can teach me how to find direction,
and the old me to share how positive I was.

My emotions are like a roller coaster ride,
which I can't even control,
and I am already tired of this scary ride,
I hope this ride will stop soon,
give me time to settle down my dizzy mind,
take a breathe before I am ready for more.

One thing in my mind that keeps me going on,
her voice that tell me "no point of worrying of this things",
no one can tell me this except her,
our time spent not together is longer,
that might be the reason how good is she in my imagination,
but this imagination keeps me going on,
and I believe that is the only thing that matters.

For now,
this two mental break down,
thanks for dad's alcohol and hugs,
can't wait to grow up,
can't wait to settle down,
but I still don't get enough of this YOLO yet,
me having different thoughts.
Ughh.
Sleep. Nite.

Ending life as an intern

Two weeks left before I leave this big city.

Seeing everyone going to work in the early morning, and seeing the dim office light in the all dark office in the evening, everyone is struggling to be something. I sometimes wonder do they overthink like me, do they enjoy their busy hectic job, or do they just work for the sake of working, being numb with the everyday life.

Surrounded by people working their ass off every day, sometimes getting to experience the sardine train during peak hours, and the peanut butter jam on my way to work, is quite a dream come true to me.

I do enjoy living in small city, enjoy the peace and a lay back lifestyle, just like my hometown. That will be exactly the life I want when I grow old, but not just yet. I still feel like discovering the potential lies, or maybe just experience working the hardest when I am still young and having the energy. I am not afraid to fall, but afraid of not trying.

This three months in KL was eventful, and also, too short.

I am not ready to leave yet, as I feel I still have so much to learn, and the time being here is too short and I still feel that I can achieve more, if I am given the time. Life in a big city turns out to be exactly what I imagine (some part). I love how I am working some important and responsible things at work, communicating with people in the same field, using technical terms that only we understand, that feels professional and to think it deeper, it is something that I brought myself to, after studying these years, getting into this company, doing this small little role in the company. I am proud, although quite insignificant in this company. This small little achievement proud rush makes me want to achieve more, and become bigger. Hope this big dream of mine will be closer!

I am also liking how this time I got to achieve this work-life balance thingy (except for days Zoe finish work at 10pm and the only thing I want to do going home is sleep).

Other than that I do exercise, I do cook, and I started drawing too. On weekends I meet my friends, I visit places that I want to, I spent time with important people and I fill time up with the things that makes me happy. I tried to fill up all my time so I won’t feel empty, and it kinda work for this period, hope it still works the same for next semester.

Saying of filling up time. OOR is ‘crashing’ Ed Sheeran’s concert, a day before my birthday. I felt like giving myself a present, a tix to the concert but guess who spent a huge amount of money on BTS concert in SG I don’t think she can afford anymore although this time it’s much more cheaper ._. Let’s hope one random night I go YOLO and spend all my food money on that, sounds quite great I can go on diet and slim down too LOL

Saying of concert, BTS IN SG. Through this period of time I also went to Singapore, twice.

Once is for BTS concert and another time is for a site visit to the FPSO. Both were extremely great memories that I don’t have time to write my feelings into words and I hope I have the time soon! Now Singapore has much more meaning, because at the beginning of this year, 2019 when I was young, 22, I made the greatest memories with the loveliest people there, and also learnt so much and gained my first experience on site too!

I always tell people I am not ready for it to end just yet, just like how I told here. I had this mindset since I first came I guess, everything is just like rainbow cotton candies, fluffy and sweet since the first day, and I really hope things can just stay this way, forever. But I guess there are more responsible, more challenges I have to face, getting out the comfort zone (again, soon) to grow myself more before back to this lifestyle, where I work hard for things I want, in this busy and cold steel forest, but never failed to amaze me with every day with surprises and keeps me in awe.

It's all about the little moments

Today is the last Friday of 2018.
It felt like just a normal day, a normal week.
The everyday routine now is wake before 7am, get out of the house around 730am, reach office 8am, work whole day, get home around 8pm, cook dinner and do chores until 9pm, workout until 10pm, shower then sleep.
It's work, cook, workout, shower, sleep and repeat for weekdays.
Somehow it does feel a little robot, but filling the time up with things to improve myself, so to learn to love myself more, it might be the hard way, but it's worth it.


I am glad 2018 has been great.
Thanks to this roller coaster ride for returning up, I hope I can remember this moment, and continue this feeling.


I remembered starting the year in Korea with strangers wishing me Happy New Year, and this year is ending soon with mom and Bii came before Christmas and spent a great and warm weekend (with a lot of shopping).
I got the chance to stay in Korea for two months, living life as a local.
I started a new semester in Miri by giving up all, and gaining the most important ones.
I travelled six countries in a month in summer.
I got the chance to exchange in Perth for a semester, seeing more of the world and met friends that care for me.
I started interning in one of the top oil&gas company (with amazing working culture and great colleagues), started living life with Zoe after being apart for five years.
aaaand a lot of small little things throughout.


2018 moments:
- exercised for the whole year
- learnt a new language in Korea
- went to PyeongChang Olympics
- started vlogging to record moments
- did my JLPT test after so many years
- learnt to cook thanks to Cindy!
- exchanged in Perth
- travelled six countries in a month
- living life the whole year out of a M size suitcase
- went to Day6 concert!
- does meeting Vivianna counts(?)
- started intern in an oil&gas company
- went to Animenz and Theister concert
- cycled a whole day at Rottness island


I guess in life there are ups and downs and I am glad this year was filled with amazing people and moments that makes my dull part a little brighter.


2019 goals: record more moments, learn to treat others a little better, work harder like crazy, live the moment

It's my third week of internship.
I got into an oil and gas company, which was one of the top8 list I had.


It is a dream come true, I have to say.
Getting in one of the top companies is my goal, and it turned out being a very good one training interns too.
I got to do presentation, I need to learn about the whole company. I was spending a lot of my time talking to engineers in different disciplines. Everyone was doing very professional works, and everyone is just very enthusiast in solving problems. When I asked about their disciplines, they replied me immediately and made me meet them, introducing me and taught me so many things about the upstream field, showing me projects they are working on and some just spent more than an hour just to make me familiar.
Other than that, I have a technical task to work on. I have a supervisor and he asked me to do research on two technologies and come out with a report for him. I thought it was just a random topic until one morning I was suddenly asked to join a meeting with vendors from the outside, with people from Norway and the UK, then I realized it is for a project they are working on.
It felt magical. I did not expect myself doing something such important, and I am so glad I was given the chance.


The company is also amazing in its working culture.
We have very flexible working time: in and out at whenever time, as long as we finish 40 hours work a week. There was one Friday I left at 12pm and went out to meet my friend. Weekend felt like three days!
On my first day to work, I got my own desk, my monitor, a huge set of stationaries, and my own desk phone (which I did not expect that I actually used it quite a lot alrdy HAHA)
The people here are also very helpful, very caring and always ready to teach. There was a few times where I bumped into people in the pantry or the washroom, and people just walked up to greet me "Are you the new intern?" or "Are you Siah Qi?" and started to ask things about me.
They are always helpful in teaching me useful things, that is useful in the future. From what information and knowledge I get to learn about the upstream oil and guess field, to what companies that I can apply, and even interview tips for the future. There was one day where I left home late and someone just walked to my desk and taught me to access the company's library for more things I can read on when I'm free. Thinking that they have so many things to work on, and they still spend time caring and teaching me, I just can't be more grateful!


Seeing stories posted on my ig, a lot of people came to ask about my company.
Funny enough is that the company is currently having only me as the intern coming in at this time, and the pay is quite okay comparing to the allowance the other companies offer me.
Going around the company I still get questions like "Do you know someone in the company to get a placement here?" and that makes me more grateful for getting this offer! I know I have to work even harder to reach theirs and my expectation.


The company is currently working on new projects, and seeing people so passionate working everyday makes me love more about what I am learning and I somehow just can't wait to start working (although I still prefer studying and being stress free financially lol).


Imagine living in a big city I always hope for, staying with Zoe and going to work together, taking care of each other. She is working very hard for her job right now, working so much more hours than I do, and even spend her evenings at home working. Seeing her being so passionate and work so hard for her job is just so inspiring everyday!
I will definitely miss the drives back home everyday, where we share on what we are currently doing about our job, although it is two different worlds, it feels amazing listening to stories and also how different we are.
Also the last time we were staying together for a long period was 5 years ago, where I was sitting for my PMR and she was sitting for SPM. We spent so much time supporting each other, studying together and went through so much together too at that time. 5 years later, it feels amazing that both of us started working, being part of the adult society, still as close.
This is definitely something we couldn't imagine 5 years ago. I am also very glad it is Zoe who is the one together with me, motivating and inspiring me with what she is doing. I love LOVE looooove how we are growing and becoming a better person together <3 (and Bii too, I need to mention her more, she is even amazing <33333

The first Saturday since I am back in Malaysia.
Zoe went to her company annual trip to Port Dickson and I am home alone whole day.

Just finished a phone call, with a a harsh word and hanging up the phone in a bad manner.
I had how much I care. I hate how much it hurts.

Its been a while since I felt so.
I want to run out the house and just jump off from the fence. I want it to end.
Reality. It's so suffocating living others life.
I never felt so for so long throughout the years. Never did I felt sad when I was in Perth. Just because two sentence of harsh words I can't control myself crying.

I hate the weak me.
but I even hate people that fight for no reason.
I hate people who say things without thinking of my feelings.
I hate how they want to make life worse when it is already so bad.
I hate how they never care for my feelings.
I hate how they remind my low self esteem.
Why can't we talk in a good way?
Is this what you call love?
I am just a human that is struggling to survive.

I will probably forget what is this little thing that happens today.
but after so long, this is the day when I totally don't want to talk to anyone.
Even a coming message makes me wants to swallow pills and end everything.

I hate myself.
I hope I will never have the courage to end.

Little things

The little things that made this year warm.
It's a year I met so many good and nice people in life, probably just because a little change in mindset to help and give than to take. Amazing things happened after that and my life suddenly became warm.

I remember I started this year in Korea, when it is so cold in a city that I don't speak the language, by myself with a lot of luggage, a girl that was trying to get out of her comfort zone.
It was just before going on my flight from KL, I texted a friend that I know who is Korean, and she immediately says that she can go around with me a few days and asked me to stay at her place.
I was so shocked by that time as she replied without even thinking. That night, her dad drove around 2 hours to the airport in another state to fetch me almost midnight, and I had a really warm night for my first day in Korea.
The next day we went around and count down together with a huge crowds, trying to keep each other warm and wishing people around Happy New Year. Although I don't know how to say it in Korean, and just blankly following what other says, it was so cold that night, but my heart was so warm.

After that I moved to a girl's hostel where I stayed in a bunk bed in a room of eight.
I was not expecting anything, just hope time flies by faster before I can go to a better house.
It was a very small room where we don't even have space to open up our luggage. In that small room there's seven other girls some travel together some traveled alone.
I remember I was so shy and was with my bed curtain closed all the time.
A girl approached me with strawberries she bought, and another girl gave me a banana milk too. From then I started knowing them, some are here for a concert, a girl (which I now still keep in touch) was here from US to teach English, everyone was alone but not but not lonely.

Time in Daegu was great. Maybe it's a small city and the people there are all so warm.
They actually don't need to keep us accompanied during the free time, but despite having a lot of homework to catch up or part time to work, they spent all of their free time bringing us to places we want to go. I still remember that night where we had to say goodbye, we went for dinner and two friends left for tuition. We continues to play bowling until 11pm, and another guy was going for tuition after that at that time.
Although they are younger than me, they thought me a lot more and was much more mature than I am.

I then traveled to GangNeung for winter Olympics where I stay in a room with another Japanese lady who is also a fan of Yuzuru.
She is at the age older than my grandma, which she started to follow figure skating games since she retired. She don't have any social media account, not even good using the internet, but she managed to get around the world, with the help of others to get a flight tix or a game tix, even better than I do.
She was following me the whole time when we went, and was telling my lots of stories, I brought her to random places I want to visit, even introduced her to VR games.

Other than that I met so many people travelling around purely because of the games in that hostel. They shared a lot of stories that makes me realized how big this world is and how small I am, and also how big I can dream and achieve too.
I promised myself I have to work much harder in the future, to see the world myself, to meet more people, hear more stories, and also to share the journey to inspire more people, that we can do more than what we think.
I remembered that night leaving GangNeung, the hostel lady even sent me out on the taxi and waved me goodbye. I was so touched by that time.

This is what all happened during my journey in Korea.
A country that I don't speak the language.
A country that I traveled alone by myself.
A country that made me feel so warm despite all hardships.

I then met amazing friends in Miri again, then throughout my trip in Europe for the whole month, and even more amazing people in Perth.

Leaving Perth in three days, although a lot of friends left already. I still feel so sad to leave.
I will not forget random road trips we had, random jogging session, cooking at my house, out for good food after assignments and tests, way to groceries, exploring the campus and all the weird jokes we have.
Also not to forget the Erika house gang, always not forgetting me every time there's good food or going places, always make sure I'm not alone when everyone left. I will miss nights playing board games or simply chatting, I will miss every single one of you. TT

One more month left for 2018, where I have to start a life in another country. Can't believe it's time to fake adult and do professional things. I am not sure whether I am ready, but I hope things will be smooth for me <3

Day 1

It felt like Day 1 in Perth, on the day when everyone left.

It was yesterday when we were still playing and joking, with my heart feeling so full, with their existence. I slept late last night, and was struggling to sleep until morning again.
When they came to fetch Cindy, I was wide awake, I was wide awake but I don't dare to step out my room, thinking that I have to say goodbye to them, and this is the end.
I heard them talking, the voice so familiar that I hear almost everyday here in Perth, that makes life here never dull a day. I cried so much until they left, until I fell asleep again.

When I wake up again, the house was so quiet, thinking that I went through this empty stage when I first came, but after meeting Cindy and she filled my life everyday. Every tough moment became funny when you have someone beside you. So used to someone beside me, so used to the gang's noises, it felt much more empty when their voices are still beside my ear.

Since I ran out of groceries, I walked the way to the nearest mart to get some groceries. Although I did do it alone sometimes but all I kept thinking was the jokes we made to the way to the mart, our first grocery shopping with KQ and stole a trolley all the way home, randomly stopped beside a lake and started feeding ducks. I never realized I am so attached to them, until everyone left.

On my way home, with two huge heavy bags of groceries, it suddenly poured like mad. The weather was probably feeling my emotions, being sad when everyone left. It was a 15 minutes walk back home, and I was drenched dripping with water when I got home. If only someone is together with me, we probably will laughed so hard for this misery, but it's only me, which I can't even laughed a bit.

I know I have to man up, immediately changed and did the laundry, started playing songs loudly and try to clean the house and my room, throwing away and tidy up things.
It was when I can't find one of a card that I use in Malaysia, a very random card which I forgot which bag I left in. I felt so helpless and started to cry very loud, that it fills up every corner in the house.
I forgot how I stopped, but I did finish cleaning the house and found the card, watching random videos that didn't even fill my heart. I don't want to do anything I don't want to talk and I just want to sleep.

I didn't know how I made it to this night. I did a little studying and watch a few other videos. I was crying so much today that my head was in a huge pain. Writing this post makes me cried so much again and even a severe headache. It felt like highschool's camp, when you put all your heart knowing your friends, and in the end we have to leave.

Maybe I am emotionally too weak at times, and I hope there'll be no more goodbyes. It's sad that I don't have someone to talk to about this, and I hope if you're going through this, I will be by your side to give you a hug, as I know how bad it feels, to say goodbye and to be alone.
This year was full of goodbyes, I went to so many places and met so many people, that I know we might not be seeing each other for the next time anymore. Even though I know the relationships will be short, but I still will choose to put all my hearts to all kind souls I met. I know this is a part of growing up, but all the tears shed still haven't makes me any stronger
I hope that day won't come, I am not ready to grow up and I believe these tears shed are worth it for the memories we had.

This is the night I felt so empty because of all the kind souls I met in Perth. <3