My cravings for spicy food

Okay, before we go into -my cravings for spicy food- or how I ended up so, the N times apologize from me for not updating regularly. I had been questioning life again and again, feeling all insecurities and felt so depressed until the point I can't be on social media anymore, everything is making me sickening. 

I was also questioning why did I start blogging when there is no one there to read, when there is no one that cares, when all the time I spent on writing all these post gone wasted, no one even care about my life. I lost direction, trying to think of something to write that people out there really want to read, but then I was limited.

I decided to come back here for a post to update my life, as one of the reason I started this blog was just to record down my life. Back then I did not find a reason yet, but I was thinking everything needs a start! and I randomly started, it's been more than two years I continued doing this, and yet I still can't find a reason and I started questioning whether I should continue, as this blog felt like a goal without an objective(?) or without a reason and direction.

Deep feelings aside, still gonna update my life anyway!

How's life? Busy. As usual.

I was at a point that I feel like I can't pass this semester, a point I felt so helpless and wanted to just give up. That was how busy and tough this semester is, but gladly I think I survived, slowly to finals and ending this semester.

Last tuition free week I did not go home and stayed here in Miri, enjoying life till max. I guess?

This was a morning when I had a meeting with a very inspiring person

went to a one day site visit in Bintulu

alcohol every night to end the day

 gym everyday which has a sauna room

 Trying to stay healthy and have homecook food when we can. 

My housemate is not a fan of meat so mostly are veges. 

I am also addicted cutting my bangs it goes shorter and shorter.

I don't like it hanging in front of my eyes, and shorter means I can wait longer for the next time.

I was too naive, forgetting I have curly hair, now I can't even control how my bangs look like LOL.

I did not know when did I start craving for spicy food. 

I had been a very good girl that try to eat as plain as possible, as I know I can easily get heated up if I don't control what I eat. This includes having toothache, sore throat, pimple bursting everywhere and also fat ._. as spicy food really do make you eat more.

I don't know how is my stomach condition now, I am not even good at eating spicy food to start with, and my record for the past few weeks was crazy.

All of these are some fancy and spicy meals I had. Other than these, I probably was eating nothing, or having cereal with coffee as breakfast and supper. You can definitely tell my life is messed up by what I was eating.

samyang yessss

sarawak laksa

thai fish burger

korean bibimbap

ma la ban mee

ayam penyet

kimchi fried rice

yes I found penang laksa

Okay I made myself all hungry posting these.

I painted my nails black pink for a few days.

Then removed it as my fingers felt cold.

Learnt to appreciate the view from my window.

I always love these calming views.

but mostly my view will be this...

trying to love my studies.

A stack of notes, a tab, my pencil case and calculators.

These are the things that give me comfort.

Along with snacks, chocs, coffee and a huge bottle of water.

This was from OpenDay.

This was also how I felt for the past few weeks.

I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want.

I just want to hide.

I felt insecure.

Till the next time I update =)

#DearYou

Hi I am back and after so much thinking, I guess I'll be starting this #DearYou series as I felt that most of my posts here talks about what happened in life and what I went through, but less and none about how I really feel inside.
I write less about my feelings as I find it very hard to express myself and also I feel naked exposing all my feelings including my negative thoughts and weakness out there.
Most of my deep feelings are kept in my diary but under this #DearYou series will probably be where I grew, where I learnt, where I hope to tell myself that it is okay to be not okay.

All posts under this will be the most random things that happens in life, including lots and lots of negative thoughts and imperfections. It is okay to just skip if you don't feel like reading it, but in another way, if there is one, and only one that felt the same way and being able to relate, I guess my goal have reached.

Other than that, since it'll be recording how I feel during my highest and lowest, I get to see back when I am lack of motivation, or when I feel too high up there and need to be back to reality and stay grounded.
It is very hard for me to express how I really feel inside, so #DearYou might be very rare, but I just want it be there.

Our CARAT trip!!!

Last Friday night I went to KL, for Seventeen Diamond Edge World Tour, then came back to Miri on Sunday, making myself flying consecutively three Fridays, another accomplishment ...?

It is a long story from knowing they're coming to Malaysia, then deciding to go three of us, trying to buy the tickets when all us are overseas, informing our parents then spent the most wonderful day in my life as a Carat <3
This post will probably be a one that I talk random stuffs without legit contents (... or most of my posts are? ._.)

fav pic of that night

SAY THE NAME!
When I knew that SEVENTEEN is coming to Malaysia I was already thinking MUST GO! Looked for the day and it was a Saturday so basically I had already made up my mind.
The next thing comes to my mind is both Zoe and Bii. Both of them are my carats-in-crime and it would be perfect if I have them two together with me on this carat trip!
Zoe was back in Malaysia at the that time and it's a few days before her back to UK, and for Bii she'll have to skip her school for one day HAHA

On the ticketing day, Zoe and I was in London and juz finished our FeelKorea@London concert and I remembered that night we reached our stay quite late all excited and tired at the same time. I asked one of my friend to help me buy it online since I can't use my card overseas ._. I remembered receiving her message saying that the payment can't be done as something is wrong with her card early morning as I was in London, we were rushing off to Bath at that time and in the bus I was busy texting my friend not knowing what to do XD
At last she went to the venue and got the tix, phewwwww. Glad that she stays in KL!!!
I was listing 1 to 10 of the seating area I want and can only wait for the best XD Lucky us got CAT1 UL4 which was quite middle and ROW2!!!

This is the first time all three of us go together for a concert, and also the first time choosing seating for a concert. I have to say it's a different experience and each has it's own pros.
For standing usually you'll be squeezing, a lot of energy and good stamina will be needed. If there's no entering number then you probably will need to queue hours before going in, probably whole day will be spent under the sun and rain. Learn how to squeeze or you'll be all behind and what you can see is only heads and hands and phones and cameras, great if you are tall! Usually standing will be nearer and if you get to be in the front 5(?) row, then your ticket will be worth it's price, or else it'll be worse than sitting YEPP. Another thing for standing is usually it'll be more hyped up, you'll be dancing jumping the whole few hours and trust me you'll get all dehydrated after the concert D
For sitting area, usually it'll be more chill especially the seats are coded you don't even have to reach early. For this time, we went in the morning to buy our goods and get some freebies, after that we went back to shower and rest for a bit. Had a chill meal before heading to the concert. You won't need to be worry getting lost with anyone, just sit back and enjoy. If the venue is small enough, sitting tickets are even better than standing ones, especially you're short like Zoe XD

I went to KL the night before and spent the night in the airport. Lucky me was having three tests and midterm for the coming week and was actually quite stressful by that time >.<
I ended up learning the fanchants rather than study ._. Goshhh SVT fanchants are at another level, I was doubting myself whether I'm a real Carat imagine remembering all 13 names with a sequence.
The next morning Zoe and Bii came from AlorStar then we went to put our luggage at our stay before heading to the concert venue.

Our stay that night is HOTEL PALOMA INN and it's around 5mins walking distance from Stadium Negara with a reasonable price, so if you're going for a concert there this hotel is a great choice!!

That day we were wearing all blue and pink as SVT official color is Rose Quartz and Serenity, all the way to the concert venue, more and more people wearing that color and once we reached Stadium Negara it's already a sea of rose quartz and serenity I'M IN MY DREAMLAND.

my ootd

Zoe went to queue for the official goods while Bii and I was around there waiting for twitter notifications and running around for freebies XD
Different with the concert I went in other places, this time outside the venue there's a lot of small stalls selling unofficial merchandises and a bit like pasar XD
We did get a few unofficial ones too as some of them are soooo nice!!!

goods we got from just one morning

After getting everything we want, we went back to out hotel to check in and shower before we go. I never been so chill before a concert HAHA we even went to a famous cafe nearby to have a fancy meal (which we ate so fast as we were so excited XD)

That day it was actually very hot and a few hours before the concert starts it was raining. A lot of carats were waiting outside the venue under the sun then in the rain, sunburn and all drained, while we were having a nice coffee break XD

The time had finally come!!!

We got into the venue, found our seat and I DID NOT EXPECT IT TO BE THIS NEAR.
*tips form me for concert in Stadium Negara*
If you are going for seated tix, it's actually better to get from the second floor than the first floor as the first floor will be the same level as standing VIPs and you might actually ended up being blocked by the VIPs area standing people. Although first floor is closer and more expensive.
We were lucky as we got 2nd row of the 2nd floor. More lucky thing is the tall roof straight at my spot my seat is leaking water if it's raining and I can't enjoy the whole concert like this I will ended up all rained. Guess what? The row behind us had around 5 empty seats so we just moved up, ended up in Row3. 老天助我也。

there were banners on our seat from the fan project <3

I had a night so amazing with 13 boys together with my two most important person in my life <3

I started tearing up once the vocal unit sang 'Habit', so much feelings came at that time and I realized how much I grew together with them from the day I first know them. I still clearly remember it's one night during finals period last summer I was bored from studying and started binge watching their videos and I just can't stop as they are so talented so attractive I ended up not sleeping the whole night LOL

A few amazing shots of the Carat Bong light sea! and I'm so proud being part of it!!!

During the last ment I was going all sigh I finally met them it was a great few hours we are parting ways and it's time to be back to reality ;_;

There are more internal emotions which is too fangirl it remains on my private account XD

THANKS FOR THE NIGHT!!!

Check out my short vlog of my two days adventure if you haven't! 

Trip to Marudi

Quick update on our trip to Marudi! A small town away from Miri around 2 hrs++ bumpy road on the Hilux.

I knew this place last semester when I was finding a suitable school for my project. We communicated all through emails and phone calls, whatsapps and meeting up in Miri. So my first trip into Marudi was after my project started for a month. The teacher that worked with us keep describing Marudi as a small town, 5mins drive for a whole round and maybe 30mins walk around the whole town. I COULD NOT IMAGINE.

Out trip into Marudi was all shaky on bumpy roads, up and down with turns like a roller coaster for a whole two hours, across a river with ferry and here we reached. I can never imagine this town being such developed, as it was so far away from the city. It gave me the feel of my hometown, small but having everything, being such accessible and the buildings felt a little same too!!

we were actually squeezing in a four wheel drive

on the ferry!

 The first thing we do after reaching there is finding their Marudi Keoyteow!
We went to a not so famous one and it just tasted not bad. But this is my first try on this kind of Keoyteow as in I never see them before!

We then went to another more famous one to take away back, and trust me the level is different it tastes so damn yummy it is a must in Marudi. Eat two plates dabao back five four yourself. You'll thank me.

 I just love how they have their own personalized food. After Marudi Keoyteow we had Marudi icecream. It's not that hard to find, usually in the shops by the side of the road that sells icecream you can usually find them. A very plain but very thick icecream.

 We then went meet up with MrJohn who really helped us a lot in this project. He was so kind so friendly and he came fetch us. We went around the town standing behind the hilux under the hot sun, trying to look for their famous pudding! It was too late and the pudding was sold out TT

 We then went to their small airport to check for the flight tickets to fly back to Miri as Byin has a dinner to attend that night. The city is so damn small but still they have a small airport!!!
It is so small that it's smaller than a usual convenient store, and this is where they sell their flight tickets, at a fixed price!

check in counter at the same place too haha

 On that few days Marudi actually have a small event so the flight tickets were kinda sold out. We reached quite late too and the last flight was too early for us to leave so we decided to take the four wheel drive and shake our way out to Miri LOL
The airplane they have is actually a small one that you can even se the pilot! I was looking forward to it but then missed the chance TT

 Mr John then brought us to an old ice shop and we had ABC. The weather was so hot and this was just in time! I love how they know each other in a small town like this as everyone is your neighbor, this shop was inherited from his grandfather and MrJohn had a small talk with the owner and he was so welcoming too! How I wish I can stay longer here.

After that we went to meet up with the EPs. They were making currypuff and baking brownies, so we just rest and ate XD Finally did what we supposed to do, gave them a small session, had a small meeting and update with them before we leave.

The way back home seems even longer. The bumpy road seems endless and Byin even had car sickness ._. We met an accident on our way home and it takes even longer as they have only one main road. We have to wait for them to dig another temporary new road so that we can pass.

Glad thing was the sky that night was so rose quartz and serenity I felt so safe and calm. Hope I get to visit there again!!! Will definitely say yes if someone can sponsor my flight tix HAHA

Signing off!

Your SpeakUp Borneo 2.0 Project Director signing off!!!

Appreciation post, for saying a thank you for myself that took a small action few months ago.

Without that small action (for filling up the google form to step up as a PD), I would still remain the old ignorant Aki. I may or may not have grown, but I know in these few months, I did more than I expected.

Milestone achieved: Reason why did I joined AIESEC.

I always said that I want to work on projects especially on education is because I see how important education is to a person's life. Little did I know throughout the preparation process I kept getting lost.
The journey was not easy to be frank. I was always lost. I kept losing the reason why I wanted to continue working on projects, especially when there was much more negative and not supportive comments.
Things was not easy when there was the workload, the complicated procedure and also how hopeless it did get. For not be able to continue the contract with our last school, for having to find a new school all again, for not getting enough applicants for the project, for arranging all my free time to interview EPs, and for not getting the number of EPs we wanted.
Things got worse when I suddenly felt everything was not that important. I was not visiting schools and was all in a privilege life, enjoying things I have to the max, seeing social media with all comfortable life kids now are living. I started to feel that all of those doesn't matters anymore and maybe... the schools just don't need us.

Huge thanks to my project team members, for always staying by my side, helping me in all ways they can. I don't know what push them to continue working, but one of my reason for not giving up is I don't want to fail them and I shouldn't be working less than them too.
They were always more worrying than I do, seeing things that I don't foresee, spending more time and effort to make the project an even more successful one. As I am always the happy-go-lucky kind, I don't usually get worry or tense up when there is a problem (not that I don't care, I have seen the worse) which sometimes might not be that good.

I was in UK when the project just started. There was so many problems arising and I was not there to be a... mental support(?) for the team. As there was a huge time difference between both countries, I usually waited until midnight for the team members to wake up, have a brief update everyday in the morning from them before I sleep. So my life in UK was actually... not that healthy and normal too ._. Thanks to my team members back in Miri that did not give up no matter how worse the situation was, I am glad to have them when I needed them most and I HOPE I WON'T FORGET THIS IN THE FUTURE TOO THEY ARE ANGELS IN MY LIFE.

There was once when I flew to Brussels for a one day trip but ended up half of my day on my phone.
So I was so excited, ready to explore a new country all in a day.
Things turned out not that well when I got a message from my Egypt EPs saying that they did not flew from KL to Miri in the morning. That time Miri was already midnight and my team members were waiting in the airport all tired.
I was so angry and confused at that time, randomly went into a coffee shop and texted the two Egypt EPs, texted their EPmanager, and even talked to their OGV VP. That was how I spent the whole morning in a coffee shop arranging stupid stuffs like this when I was supposed to go around the city, the country.
Funny thing was after I came out from the coffee shop, we went drinking early morning. I was a bit drunk I guess, and I texted a VERY LOOOOONG message scolding the EPs EPM and VP for being such irresponsible. I mean... they were really unreasonable ._.
I lied when I say how I'll remember Brussels as a beautiful city with waffles and beer. All I can remember was me being on my phone trying to solve problems at the other side of the world, scolding random people and can't really help anything XD

After I went back to Miri, more problems arose. It was the start of the semester and I was kinda sorting out my life (?) Life was a huge mess but trust me, when I see my EPs there, which I started from interviewing them through a laptop screen and now in front of me, far from their own country, I know I have to make their 6weeks life-changing, at least fruitful.
No matter how tired I was, I knew that I have my small SpeakUp family that will always be by my side and this made me felt so safe. You guys never know how much you meant to me!!!

We had a lot of fun, ups and downs, random outings, small meals after a long day, preparing for events, Impact Showcase then Global Village, I was really enjoying myself spending time with them no matter how tiring it is.

Trip to Marudi behind a Hilux

midnight movie watching Anabelle

squeezing in a car for lunch LOL

sending off Leon TT

Dinner at PP

Sending off Nicole TT

Global Village!!!

Movie night, again.

I remember when I was going to pay back one of my local volunteer his transportation fee, he told me to keep it as this three weeks worth much more than the 40 ringgit. He was a shy person that does not like joining events, but his journey made him learnt and grew a lot than he can imagine.
My Japan EP told me that she did not want to choose an education project but this is the only project that starts from August. Slowly through the project, she found her life goal (IKR!) and found what she wants to do in the future. I can tell how much she grew from a girl that can only talk slowly and shyly until a bright and proactive one before she left. She even proposed to me that she wanted to do fundraising to buy dictionaries for the students in the rural area. During the one week school holidays, two of the EPs went into an even more rural area school to volunteered to teach the students there. (This was not even in their job scope and I did not expect this too!)
My Morocco EP told me that she is the only girl in her family and was always the princess of her brothers. She was the first one to travel out from her country by herself and this shocked her whole family as she was always the quiet girl since young. Thanks for always being helpful and thoughtful when I was in a bad and awkward situation.
Aaaaand my Tunisia EP told me he had wasted 21 years of his life when we were having a deep talk.

All of these are unexpected and little did I know that my small actions and efforts actually make such a great change in their lives, and this really do mean a lot to me. The school had a lot of positive feedback too and were so welcoming when we went visit there, they were treating the EPs so well and I can't be more grateful for things to go well in this way.

Really hope that this project can go on for a long time in the future, creating a huge impact to Marudi. Please work harder to send more EPs there!!

I will definitely miss my small Speak Up family, my small Marudi town, crazy things we do, stupid quarrels and fights we had, and all those small moments that we had together. I DID NOT REGRET A SINGLE THING <3

Keep moving on!

I was not going to blog recently as life was THIS hectic, squeezing time out isn’t an easy thing to do. But this whole week after coming back from my semester is so blog-worthy, or in another way, it’s part of the stage of life changing.

For the whole week, my whole life changed. It was like a drama a movie I was going through so much, I don’t really can feel anymore.

Life was simply hectic at first, after flying and transiting for 20++ hrs, the first thing I do after touched down was to head to the EPhouse. First day I took half a day to try to change back my time due to jetlag. After getting up the first thing was to head to the airport to fetch my EP, then attended a barbeque party which we were invited by ISA.

Second day school starts, things started to come, I have to bring my EP around and at that time the whole project is only ME and ME. That afternoon I was supposed to fetch him to exchange money and buy a sim card. Guess what? We can’t find him in the EPhouse as in he might run away. Jetlag+study+problems-----huge headache but still don;t have time to rest.

At the same time, there was no wifi at my house and it is already a frustruation. To make things worse, they can’t apply for a wifi for our house, and my friend who was in charge of the wifi started looking for new houses and planning to move out (without informing me). Maybe simply because I was the one who should deal and sign the contract with the house owner, which I was at a very bad position since I would probably being tied with the landlord and have to give up my deposit or maybe a penalty.

I was already very busy with my project, waking up at 7am sometimes 6am, never got to get home before 12am, and didn’t get a 5 hours sleep once I was back. Physically mentally tired, I have to rush and find myself a house so that I won’t be sleeping by the roadside. At the same time discuss and deal with the house owner (which was a hugeeeeeeee fight) and its still going on, not sure about the end of this war.

To make things worse and worse-----bedbugs.

Guess after my Europe trip I don’t only brought back memories, but also this evil thingy, bed bug. I had itchiness all over and I was thinking maybe its just random mosquito. Slowly turned out it was bed bug after I google searched as one of the hotel we stayed in London has it. It seems like they don’t only stay in bed, but also your luggage and clothing. I still have no idea how to deal with it, and might have to wash all of my belongings(which is up to hundred pieces trust me), including using a dryer at high temperature, vacuum my bed and everything. Just so much things to do and I don’t even have time. Semester just started and I still need time to fit in and level up, but everything just chose to came out at this very time.

I was looking for a house after knowing that we'll move out, found one and talked to owner in the afternoon, decided in the evening, and moved in at night (hotel mehhhh). Life is random, THIS RANDOM. 

But in a good way, it's a chance to try to get rid of bedbugs(?) and also glad that I was able to find a house which I'm quite satisfied, although a bit more far from the bus stop but at least I have a cozy room. Searching for a house and moving things in only a day was hectic my sleeping time turned from 5 to only 3 hours X_X

I guess we all have superpowers in us, unleashing at these times. I don't feel tired nor afraid, maybe things were too unreal and too much for me. I can't feel. Dealing with all these stuffs at the same time feeling a little betrayed(?) in relationship. Welp I don't hold grudge.

I have always had trust issues, but still I chose to trust people, but always ended up failing myself again and again. Guess this is still a thing for me to learn in life.

Last thing of all of those hectic things, I took one more unit at the very last minute, making myself even more busy ._.

I was still thinking an unsure about whether I should take one more unit. This is more to about my future planning and even until the very last day, I'm not sure. Took a deep breathe and registered after 1130pm, right before 12am before it closed.

Guess it's an even more hectic semester! Have to keep moving on!!!