It's finals period and I just finished two papers in a day WOOHOOO, three more to go~!!!
TBH a few weeks before I was so damn depressed and at the same time getting sick makes it even worse, the feeling when you realize no one will be around you so far away from your family, and you're just simply nobody no matter how many friends you know or how many people actually told you they care for you. It's just been you, and you.
I was in my room for a few days, sleeping whole day I didn't even bother to eat.
My house was quite far from where I can get food, so basically will be sleeping away the hunger LOL
I had so much time thinking, that what is the point to treat people wholeheartedly, then being selfish to myself, ended up no one even cares. My mind was so full of empty promises, as people only wants to be with you when you are at your best, and don't even give a shit when you're at your lowest.
I had so many nights with huge mental breakdowns, feeling so alone.
Which I then realized this is very sick mentally, and I have to help myself out from this, instead of still putting hope on others.
I decided to do all those things I always wanted to do, but didn't dare or don't have the chance to.
I first trimmed and cut my hair by myself.
I've always afraid to cut my hair even its all dry at the tip, as I have originally curly hair and every cut is a challenge.
I started bits by bits, then slowly addicted, then ended up cutting quite a lot.
My hair was tidier and more light at first, but now it ended up quite hard to tidy because of the curliness on top LOL did not regret though. I felt so satisfied when touching those cut hair that felt like straws.
I also dyed my hair, by myself, for the first time.
I couldn't stand the color too light, although I originally dyed it black.
I didn't dare to dye by myself too, as I'm worried that I'll left any parts, especially the hair behind and below. I ended up doing quite a great job, and I can;t wait to try out more colors XD
I chose a darker color, which I didn't expect to be this nice, and now I loooove it so much.
Then I decided to do what I always planned to but didn't.
Since I was in uni, I decided to focus on non-academic clubs first as everything is still not heavy and serious. I promised myself to join academic clubs once I'm in degree just to know more about the industry, but then always ended up not joining because I was so laid back.
I did make an effort to join a site visit, and that's the only thing I did LOL I'm not even a member.
Since it's the end of the year, the club I wanted to join was recruiting committee, so I think why not give it a try. At least I put effort doing something.
I took some time and effort filling up all those questions quite last minute, getting through interviews, then a small election. I ended up getting my first choice position, which I did not even expect.
Thanks self, for starting to do something your previous self wanted to.
I also painted my fingernails a grey-ish blue.
I always felt it is weird as not much people do so (?) But if you know me years ago, I was so into nail painting, I did nail art for my nails just for the weekend. I kinda miss the old self, so I painted my nails anyway.
I found the happiness of it, seeing it when studying or writing, typing or using the phone. Beautiful nails do make you feel great <3
The next one was probably the one that took so much time and effort.
I always wanted to step up for a position in AIESEC but at the beginning of this year I was under a scholarship that needs me to score above 80 for my subjects and I don't think I can commit well.
I am now free from that and I was thinking of giving it a go before I wanna end this journey, either higher or to an end. Tbh I was not feeling a much of growth this year, not to say less opportunity but just simply I did not have the courage to grab.
I was not even thinking of being a project director, as I have things to focus and I am clear that I can't be here during the project. Since no one stood up and I suddenly was inspired and motivated, I decided to take up this position, which I did not regret a single bit.
I spent countless sleepless night, rethinking my journey and my growth, filling questionnaire and preparing documents for this application, thanks to everyone who helped and supported, and also... sorry I failed you (?)
I was so not confident this time I didn't even bring a shirt to change LOL and when they were sprinkling 'holy water' before pouring them to tell the results, I felt I've came so far and being all emotional and grateful to myself. Only I myself know how much did I grow, and maybe you, the one who is reading this blog since my first post.
Even I failed this election, I learnt a lot.
(to the one who gave me a hug after my failure, it means a lot as I was feeling so helpless tbh. I know I am always crazy and bubbly, but thanks for noticing my weak side <3 )
Then it's social media.
I hope I can talk this in another post, and hope I really do, social media is sickening. Posting positive stuffs, getting negative and hateful comments, all the compares and all self judgement.
If you noticed, I deleted my pictures from nearly 2k to around 66 ._.
I was very stressed and depressed. I was finding a way to come out and tbh I deleted the app so many times and ended up installing them again, because this is where I share my life with my closed one far away, it's still something I am passionate with, photography, even though I am not a good one. It helped me to spot and appreciate little beautiful things around me and it does help to make my life a better one.
It's a huge growth and I am glad I feel less depressed. I don't know whether I should call it slight depression, or purely sadness, as I still feel there are people out there having worse situation than mine.
This is a self reminder to love myself more, and also I hope all of you reading this, can do something for yourself, and I hope you know in this huge wide world, there is still someone cares a lot for you. You are not worthless, and by reading this post you already mean so much to me.
I don't want to get all emotional and deep in this post, but sometimes it is still important to remind yourself to give more love.
Care for those you care for you, and sometimes it is okay to not being love by everyone else, and just simply appreciate people who treat you good no matter how little.
Cutting people from your life does not mean you hate them, it simply means, you respect yourself. Rather than being tired to treat everyone good just to make them like you, enjoy being yourself and strive hard for yourself, you'll shine in that way and people will accept you as who you are.
Love.
TBH a few weeks before I was so damn depressed and at the same time getting sick makes it even worse, the feeling when you realize no one will be around you so far away from your family, and you're just simply nobody no matter how many friends you know or how many people actually told you they care for you. It's just been you, and you.
I was in my room for a few days, sleeping whole day I didn't even bother to eat.
My house was quite far from where I can get food, so basically will be sleeping away the hunger LOL
I had so much time thinking, that what is the point to treat people wholeheartedly, then being selfish to myself, ended up no one even cares. My mind was so full of empty promises, as people only wants to be with you when you are at your best, and don't even give a shit when you're at your lowest.
I had so many nights with huge mental breakdowns, feeling so alone.
Which I then realized this is very sick mentally, and I have to help myself out from this, instead of still putting hope on others.
I decided to do all those things I always wanted to do, but didn't dare or don't have the chance to.
I first trimmed and cut my hair by myself.
I've always afraid to cut my hair even its all dry at the tip, as I have originally curly hair and every cut is a challenge.
I started bits by bits, then slowly addicted, then ended up cutting quite a lot.
My hair was tidier and more light at first, but now it ended up quite hard to tidy because of the curliness on top LOL did not regret though. I felt so satisfied when touching those cut hair that felt like straws.
I also dyed my hair, by myself, for the first time.
I couldn't stand the color too light, although I originally dyed it black.
I didn't dare to dye by myself too, as I'm worried that I'll left any parts, especially the hair behind and below. I ended up doing quite a great job, and I can;t wait to try out more colors XD
I chose a darker color, which I didn't expect to be this nice, and now I loooove it so much.
Then I decided to do what I always planned to but didn't.
Since I was in uni, I decided to focus on non-academic clubs first as everything is still not heavy and serious. I promised myself to join academic clubs once I'm in degree just to know more about the industry, but then always ended up not joining because I was so laid back.
I did make an effort to join a site visit, and that's the only thing I did LOL I'm not even a member.
Since it's the end of the year, the club I wanted to join was recruiting committee, so I think why not give it a try. At least I put effort doing something.
I took some time and effort filling up all those questions quite last minute, getting through interviews, then a small election. I ended up getting my first choice position, which I did not even expect.
Thanks self, for starting to do something your previous self wanted to.
I also painted my fingernails a grey-ish blue.
I always felt it is weird as not much people do so (?) But if you know me years ago, I was so into nail painting, I did nail art for my nails just for the weekend. I kinda miss the old self, so I painted my nails anyway.
I found the happiness of it, seeing it when studying or writing, typing or using the phone. Beautiful nails do make you feel great <3
The next one was probably the one that took so much time and effort.
I always wanted to step up for a position in AIESEC but at the beginning of this year I was under a scholarship that needs me to score above 80 for my subjects and I don't think I can commit well.
I am now free from that and I was thinking of giving it a go before I wanna end this journey, either higher or to an end. Tbh I was not feeling a much of growth this year, not to say less opportunity but just simply I did not have the courage to grab.
I was not even thinking of being a project director, as I have things to focus and I am clear that I can't be here during the project. Since no one stood up and I suddenly was inspired and motivated, I decided to take up this position, which I did not regret a single bit.
I spent countless sleepless night, rethinking my journey and my growth, filling questionnaire and preparing documents for this application, thanks to everyone who helped and supported, and also... sorry I failed you (?)
I was so not confident this time I didn't even bring a shirt to change LOL and when they were sprinkling 'holy water' before pouring them to tell the results, I felt I've came so far and being all emotional and grateful to myself. Only I myself know how much did I grow, and maybe you, the one who is reading this blog since my first post.
Even I failed this election, I learnt a lot.
(to the one who gave me a hug after my failure, it means a lot as I was feeling so helpless tbh. I know I am always crazy and bubbly, but thanks for noticing my weak side <3 )
Then it's social media.
I hope I can talk this in another post, and hope I really do, social media is sickening. Posting positive stuffs, getting negative and hateful comments, all the compares and all self judgement.
If you noticed, I deleted my pictures from nearly 2k to around 66 ._.
I was very stressed and depressed. I was finding a way to come out and tbh I deleted the app so many times and ended up installing them again, because this is where I share my life with my closed one far away, it's still something I am passionate with, photography, even though I am not a good one. It helped me to spot and appreciate little beautiful things around me and it does help to make my life a better one.
It's a huge growth and I am glad I feel less depressed. I don't know whether I should call it slight depression, or purely sadness, as I still feel there are people out there having worse situation than mine.
This is a self reminder to love myself more, and also I hope all of you reading this, can do something for yourself, and I hope you know in this huge wide world, there is still someone cares a lot for you. You are not worthless, and by reading this post you already mean so much to me.
I don't want to get all emotional and deep in this post, but sometimes it is still important to remind yourself to give more love.
Care for those you care for you, and sometimes it is okay to not being love by everyone else, and just simply appreciate people who treat you good no matter how little.
Cutting people from your life does not mean you hate them, it simply means, you respect yourself. Rather than being tired to treat everyone good just to make them like you, enjoy being yourself and strive hard for yourself, you'll shine in that way and people will accept you as who you are.
Love.
