Unwind and Express

Hi its me,

I'm here to explain why I am gone for so long,

when I'm explaining to you, 

I guess this post helps to explain it to myself too.

I had been afraid to express myself,

I am afraid I say something not appropriate,

I am afraid I sound lousy or funny,

I am also worried that I am bad at using the language too.

Generally, I am afraid to be judged.

I was thinking why I wasn't afraid to express myself back then,

where I can just write anything I want and just blurt things out.

I was either not afraid of people judging me,

or I was just not overthinking too much.

The reason for me to start this blog was even, to train my language, both Chinese and English.

Funny is that now I didn't dare to try.

I was finding a new reason for me to continue update this blog,

as looking back, I am quite grateful that I recorded things down.

It is quite fun to know what I was feeling or thinking back then,

I sounded quite naive and I sounded quite differently from how I am now.

Although I judge my old self for writing stupid things,

I also have a different feel at the same time, for how much I have changed throughout the years.

Things have been quite overwhelmed right now,

I am at my final semester of my degree,

and I am grateful for learning so much every time,

as it feels that this FYP makes me learnt the most out of my degree life.

I am constantly squeezing things out of myself,

and also learning tonnes of things in a short time, pushing my self limit.

It is a different experience, where I do not have much time to say "I don't know how to do",

I now just feel frustrated, complaining the workload, crying at how I am so bad at learning things, at the same time forcing myself to learn.

Few days later I will find myself mastering the software or found a way out, and forgot about my annoyed-useful-old self few days before, and this feels amazingly great.

I am grateful for the people beside me!

Thank you for keep encouraging me whenever I feel like giving up,

although most of the time I am clear that giving up is not a choice.

Thank you for dealing with my bullshits, especially when I am annoyed with my workload.

We all live our own life, and I believe it is no one's responsible to be patient with other's bad side,

so thank you, to be so patient all the time.

Other than that, things annoyed me are people taking you for granted.

Or to say, I am annoyed by myself.

Everyone have their own life and things to do, so you shouldn't be expecting someone to be there to help you all the time, especially when you could've learn it yourself. 

We are adults at the end of our four year degree, where we at least know that we should be responsible with our works, right?

Working with your friend doesn't mean he/she should back you up all the time too, it should've been the other way, helping to reduce your friend's workload. 

The reason why I am annoyed, is that I feel that I am being taken for granted as a friend, but at the same time I also feel annoyed for unable to go all out and be patient to help.

I am still learning to be more patient, but also at the same time to be better to myself too.

I am trying to find the balance in between.

I should've be more patient for helping others when they have a problem, as if it's me I would like to have someone helping me too.

But at the same time I should also know that going all out for others won't help me anything too, especially people are taking it for granted and trying to get things from you more and more.

In the end I won't be getting anything else, but a physically and mentally tired self.

That's so far for my update!

Thank you for reading until the end.

Writing things out do help me unwind and clear my mind.

I am quite glad trying to express myself too, 

I might not be good but let's hope this helps me to improve.

A song from 2017 which I found this morning, it expresses my current feeling so well!

偶尔 我走着的这条路

是向着正确的方向 前行着吗

我所说的话和行动

在被人的眼里 是怎样被看待的

想法变得多了 一天就变得短了

安慰我的 只是一声长叹息

究竟是为了什么 活到了现在

我现在是为了我自己正在活着

不知何时开始 我变得害怕休息

自信心掉到了谷底 羡慕成功的人

从未见过天空

没有时间去看周围

但其实所有都是借口 很想念以前

Feeling helpless

It's the last semester of my degree,
and Helpless is what I feel everyday.

Looking at the past,
I am very sure I tried my very best,
but the outcomes are always not what I expected.
Of course I want more,
I always make sure I won't regret by giving my all,
but I always fail myself,
making me think that is that I am not good enough,
or I just should have push myself even more.

I hate my life,
and I hate it even more,
when I don't have the strength to change things.
I hope I am happier,
but people and things just fail me all the times.
I learnt to not expect or hope for things,
because it will always end up differently,
and I am the one always getting hurt.
but because of that,
I hate myself now that have to not expect everything.

I am trying to do something meaningful everyday,
to fill my days up with positive things,
someone told me that trying to think positively,
is already a good attempt to be positive,
and it is already a good start.
I feel its so pathetic,
to have to make myself feel better by thinking this way,
just because we know we can't really do more anymore,
and this is the most we can do.

What to do?
We really have nothing we can do,
that's why we ask this question that we already had the answer.
We lived through life like this,
and we can only live our life like this,
because life is like this.
Its not something we can change by just thinking about it,
but trust me one day I will get out of everything,
leave every disappointed things behind,
but now I am just too small and too helpless.

Until that day,
I will continue feel this helplessness,
and live this life.