I wanted to write this down for the longest time and I just couldn't find the right time to. Hopefully this time I will make it to the end.
The past two years were very suffering for me. Because of the pandemic, because of the uncertainties.
I still clearly remember that day when Thong and I decided to fly back from Miri the night that moment when MCO was declared due to COVID. When I was on the way to the Miri airport, the university haven't even announced that the campus will be closed, and I was so worried about my FYP and my lab works. Only when my flight landed in Alor Setar, I received an email saying final year students' lab work will be on a halt until further announcement. It was then another few stressful months because the lockdown full with uncertainties. There are a lot of times I was planning my way back to Miri for my lab works including the two-weeks quarantine. But luckily, in the end, with many discussions and lots of changes made, I was able to finish my FYP at home, with the combination of both lab works and simulations (which also means I have to learn both of them, where my halfway lab works kinda go unused, then have to learn all kinds of simulation software last minute).
I have to say it wasn't easy at all. Thinking that all of my halfway-done lab works, being mentally stressful and tensed with the pandemic, having to learn new simulations software in a few weeks' time. All of these were done on top of the academic stress of the final year units. I had lots of sleepless nights and breakdowns. (wanted to complain so much but have to held it because out there people are dying because of COVID, losing jobs due to the pandemic, and for me its only study and stay at home LOL) I gave myself many times of mental preparation that whichever unit I fail or no matter how things turn out, I can just retake and spend another year to make things right. In the end, I managed to graduate on time and I really couldn't be more grateful!
After graduation I had a few days trip back to Miri, to tidy the house that was left hurriedly, finish my first aid training (which was dragged so many times and needed to be done in order for me to graduate, also one main reason I am flying to Miri), tidy my lab stuff (all my chemicals and apparatus was just left halfway, which I left when I was still waiting for my CQD to distillate), met my supervisor to return him stuffs and had a most relaxed talk with him (no more academic stress!), and also met with a lot of friends eating all food I've missed.
Moving forward from completing my degree, making an end by properly tidying my stuff in Miri, reality dawned again. I always knew I wanted to continue with my master's in research, and while I was halfway in my degree I planned to continue it in Aus. I still have some of my pocket money left in Bankwest when I left, thinking I will return soon anyway. I even planned to have a few gap months to travel around catch up with some friends while I think my next steps. What the pandemic did was making me rethink 'Do I need to go through the risk by going so far to continue my study', as by that time everything was so unsure. I feel very daunted by not being able to go all the way to the cities or campuses to further understand what I will be facing for the next few years, and having to travel around during the pandemic is giving me lots of anxieties. With nowhere to go and nothing to do at home for a period of time, I felt so not accomplished and felt like I was wasting my time if I don't immediately find a course to continue and have something to be busy with. I was giving myself so much stress to find a suitable university, supervisor, and research topic ASAP.
It was then another long story, emailing different lecturers in different universities. Trying to gather all documents needed from enrollment ALL THE WAY FROM AUS. Lots of phone calls video calls to further understand their research topics. It is very important to make sure the research topic is to your interest, as that will be the one and only thing you will be working on for the next few years. It is also important that the supervisor is responsive, passionate, and helpful (which in my case was a huge lesson for me LOL). I was asking around universities the research topics they offer and also the financial support they can provide. I was quite surprised as a lot of universities are offering me PhD courses without masters (which probably is because of my not-very-bad grades), including the master's I was doing, I was offered to 'upgrade' it to PhD. This is the moment when you are grateful that your grades and your resume are still presentable. But still, I am very sure that I will not be continuing my research studies, and was planning to start working after my masters instead of continuing in further education or a uni lecturer. I JUST WANT TO GET IT DONE ASAP LOL.
In the end, I was offered a research topic that I am interested in, together with a lecturer that is very helpful (at first =)) with full cover of my tuition fees, together with monthly allowance. Being accepted for the course, I would say, is THE ONLY happy moment in my masters research life. Rest is hell.
I will continue my life in hell in another part.
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