D-5 to 2018

"Oh and I.. don't know.. how to feel

Just like that.. 2013.. it's been real....."

I was humming to this song few days ago, and realised time really flies, it's been 5 years since this song. I remember counting down at home in the living room, watching Onmyoya(?) by Ryo and Chinen, then Troye Sivan posted this song on YT. I was a huge fan of him at that time, and look at him now, he's worldwide famous and I can't be more proud of him.

2017, to be really honest, is not really a great year for me. 

Although I had a lot of great times, made a lot of memories, achieved a lot of goals. It is also a year I felt so much more depressed, without a solid reason. It scares me that I'm becoming such a sensitive person, emotionally so fragile although no one did anything wrong, I was overthinking so much and also comparing and criticising myself a lot.

It is a year where I realised how scary it is to be mentally sick, even though I was just slightly feeling it but it kills me inside out. 

I can be feeling very positive and happy, posting ig story about funny things, then 5 minutes later I will suddenly feel all insecure and being left out. I can't focus on doing anything and I just want to switch off everything, let the dark swallow me, although I don't feel sleepy I have no energy to do anything. It felt very scary and I was thinking no one even cares about me and I was feeling very worthless no matter how I try to remind myself of all the positive stuffs.

I can't really describe all these feelings in details, as it was few months ago. It's glad that I don't feel like this anymore as those are the times I can't do anything and for me it is 10x or even 100x more scary than just physically ill. I was affected by this a lot it somehow did affects my studies and my daily normal routine.

I don't want to call this depression. 

As I know there are people out there suffering so much more than me.

I would like to call this pure sadness.

And I hope there's no one will feel this .. or suffer this.

Empty Promises.

This is my word, or phrase of the year.

I felt so disappointed to a lot of things, and people around me.

It keeps repeating in my mind, and to my disappointment(?) things that resemblance to this just continue to happen.

I just wonder why people wants to make promises when they can't make sure they can make it. It's okay to not make that promise. It's okay to say, no I can't make it. It's okay to just make that promise by heart then make it true. Although I chose to not give any hopes but then the truth really did hurts hard. Real hard. 

I know I should be focusing on more positive things, and people who really stayed by my side. 

It's just that I really was strongly feeling all these the whole year, and rather than not mentioning it, I have to be grateful that it did happened, and all these makes me appreciate who to keep.

To be honest, everything felt better because of SVT, BTS, OMG and many other more idols of mine. 

It's Namjoon, Mr.Kim who kept reminding me to remember to Love Myself. It's their songs that is able to switch my emotions after a very bad day. It's all those embedded lyrics that became my motto to continue working hard. I just have to admit that they are a huge part of my life. They are the purest and positive thing on this complicated earth. 

It's sad to hear about Jonghyun news recently, I was having so many complicated feelings when I heard about it. He was my bias in SHINee but I can't really call myself a fan as I didn't care about his news for such a long time, I felt sorry but thanks for all those sweet memories and talented songs. I don't know how suffering it was to felt so, how there was no one by his side. I just simply hope I can be the one by his side, maybe give him a hug, but no I was not. 

Idols saved us from depression. Please let's do the same.

It was so easy to say. But it was so hard to make it true. Now, I hope you do feel better. Be free.

I hope 2018 will be a year I slowly get out from these.

I don't mind to be more attached to idol groups, as long as there's a reason for me to keep working hard.

I came to realise that at the end of the day, what we need is just someone who tells me "You did great today. I'm so proud of you." and I will work my best no matter what or how.

2017 was a great year despite all those negative feelings.

I made my dream come true going to SVT concert with Zoe and Bii.

I made my dream come true travelling to the UK and a few other Europe countries, with my family.

I made my dream come true meeting so much more other idol groups.

... I don't know what other things I can list down here.

... I can't really recall anything truly amazing that happened this year.

... it's okay to feel this right?

... after all these lows, the life roller coaster will go up right?

... sorry for all those who tried your best to make a great memory with me.

... sorry I can't really remember those. But thank you.

... it's a year I slowly find that it's hard to complete my tasks.

2017, 20y/o, although quite depressing, I learnt a lot.